Family Affair Not Exactly the Road to Happy Easter

The daughter who got married says she wants to get pregnant now, which raises the question of why she married the Grocery Store Bagger.

I mean, I can’t imagine going near the guy.

The Bagger tells me, “Practice makes perfect,” and that’s certainly more than what I wanted to know, so I asked Vin Scully how he handles these situations.

“We’re waiting on No. 12,” he says, and he’s smiling, because none of his daughters married a Grocery Store Bagger.

I try not to think about it, but on occasion I have no choice. I’m told now we will be going to the happy/sappy couple’s home for Easter -- the same wonderful TV day as the final 18 of the Masters, the Lakers versus the Sacramento Kings, the Angels against the Texas Rangers -- to join the Bagger’s parents and maybe other Bagger relatives.

It’s like I’ve been telling the daughter, this is what happens when you have kids. They grow up, get married to some slug and then make a point of ruining every holiday with a family reunion, as if anyone wants to spend one minute of the Masters listening to the slug’s parents tell everyone about their new truck.

Nothing ruins something as compelling as the final round of the Masters or a big basketball game more than small talk.

If they’re going to have family reunions, they ought to be scheduled for nights with no games, like most Tuesdays. Oh, that’s right, “NYPD Blue” is on. Do we really need family reunions, especially with e-mail these days?

You know, I’m starting to agree with Hootie Johnson; certain people just don’t mix well with the Masters. I guess I could try holding up one of those signs the marshals use at golf tournaments: “Quiet Please,” but what are the chances that’s going to work with at least three to four women in the room?

I suppose I could tell everyone that I’d be happy to hear what they have to say during commercials and hope none of them knows the Masters is televised with no commercial interruptions.

(On a side note: No one is more married than Phil Mickelson on the PGA Tour. His wife is always on TV, standing there anxiously with a kid or two in her arms, hoping her husband will win and the family will be able to eat again. No wonder Mickelson always gags under the pressure and never wins a major. It might be time for Phil to remind his wife where a woman belongs. Augusta National is the only place I know where you can get away with that.)

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JUST THINK about how big Sunday’s Laker game against the Kings is going to be and the drama leading into the NBA playoffs.

Now some of you have more experience than I do in these matters, and I would be interested in knowing how you tell relatives to shut up when the game is about to begin.

You just know that every time Shaq steps to the free-throw line, one of the Bagger’s weird relatives is going to want to know, “Why doesn’t the Big Guy shoot free throws better?” Or “Doesn’t the Big Guy practice?”

And then without waiting for an answer, you know they’re going to tell you what they think, making it the fifth time in five meetings with the same weird relatives they’re going to tell you the same thing.

The daughter got married. I didn’t get married to the Bagger’s parents or any of his weird relatives. I don’t see any reason why we have to talk when we get together.

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ONE OF the biggest problems with a day like Sunday, too, is the cook’s desire to have a sit-down dinner, with the TV off. Not only the sound down, but the TV off.

I’d like to think my daughter was raised properly and would know better, but here again, you put three or four women together and they just might try some kind of holiday coup. I know this, I didn’t have these concerns before the Grocery Store Bagger came along.

I’m willing to sacrifice. I’m passing on the Dodger game, and the Clippers, who will be going after a 13th straight defeat, but the Angels could still be undefeated when they take on Texas. And that will be exciting, almost as exciting as hearing one of the women suggest they all go upstairs and do some scrapbooking.

I don’t like to think of it in terms of this being my last chance to enjoy sports on a holiday, but I just know what’s coming next, and I’m already cringing at the thought of watching Tiger Woods line up a winning Masters putt with a baby just crying and crying because its father is the Grocery Store Bagger.

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NEW YORK GIANT General Manager Ernie Accorsi has talked to the San Diego Chargers about trading for the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft and taking quarterback Eli Manning. Accorsi was GM of the Baltimore Colts and took John Elway with the No. 1 pick only to learn a week or so later that Colt owner Bob Irsay had traded Elway to Denver for an offensive tackle. Accorsi resigned in protest and the Colts moved to Indianapolis.

Accorsi knows the value in a franchise quarterback. The Chargers do not. They traded away the chance to take Michael Vick and now seem interested in stockpiling draft picks and allowing someone else to take Peyton’s brother. Now you know why I refer to the owners as the Spanos Goofs.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Carlos Morales:

“As you may or may not know, the Dodgers won it in the 11th [Wednesday night]. Glad you left in the ninth and weren’t able to see it happen. I just happened to see your column and noticed you only wrote up until the ninth inning. Jerk! If you’re so negative toward the Dodgers, why even bother going to the game? Oh wait, you probably get paid to go.”

Not enough to stay 11 innings.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.