Fired? Not if you're CIA, FBI

By PATRICK GOLDSTEIN

April 20, 2004 12 AM PT

There have been two must-see shows on television in recent weeks -- the 9/11 commission hearings and “The Apprentice,” which had its much-ballyhooed finale Thursday night. In some ways, the subjects couldn’t be more different. The 9/11 commission hearings have been a sober examination of our government’s grievous inability to prepare for a war on terrorism; “The Apprentice” was a campy portrait of young pseudo-entrepreneurs trying to curry favor (and win a $250,000 gig) with Donald Trump, America’s king of capitalist schmaltz.

And yet both TV events, at their root, had a common subject: power. The grand theme of the 9/11 commission hearings has been how little clout the world’s reigning superpower seemed to have when it came to terrorism. With the shining exception of counterterrorism coordinator Richard Clarke, the Clinton and Bush administration higher-ups were content to blame their predecessors, shift responsibility to other agencies, bemoan their lack of resources or grumble about bungled opportunities. There were precious few apologies or acceptance of responsibility, much less displays of principled leadership.

You can imagine how Citizen Trump would’ve handled all that weak excuse making. Perhaps that is what audiences have found so satisfying about “The Apprentice.” The wannabe Trumps didn’t really behave all that differently from our administration officials. With Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth in the lead -- it figures that her background was as a political consultant -- they also badmouthed their rivals, passed the buck and, when confronted with a blunder, did a lot of shameless dissembling. But at the end of each show, justice was done, with Trump delivering a cathartic “You’re fired!” If George W. would only do the same to George J. Tenet or Robert Mueller, his ratings would go through the roof too.

It was also revealing -- OK, depressing -- to see that the Trump acolytes, though hardly an impressive array of young executive talent, managed to show more teamwork than the entire American government. Judging from the revelations at the 9/11 hearings, the FBI and the CIA acted a lot like competing squads of job applicants, engaging in endless bureaucratic infighting and turf battles. For all their petty bickering, the Trump applicants were clearly working toward a common goal -- pleasing Mr. Trump. Surely that’s one reason why “The Apprentice” is such a hit. Its rules are easy to understand: Either you impress your boss or you’re fired. At the FBI, you can apparently bungle assignments for years without having to take a fall.

The 9/11 hearings only confirmed our worst suspicions about the government’s insularity and lack of vision, while “The Apprentice” offered a reassuringly simple moral: With enough old-fashioned hustle and ingenuity, any obstacle can be overcome. It hardly matters that in the real world Trump’s casino empire is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. On TV, the man looks like a winner! And oh, do we Americans love winners. It’s no wonder “Apprentice” creator Mark Burnett described the show as “the” American story, saying, “American money fuels so much of what happens in the world, this is about becoming part of that process.”

‘Apprentice,’ Hollywood-style

“The Apprentice” is such a hit that Fox already has a knockoff in the works starring Virgin founder Richard Branson while Mark Burnett and NBC are assembling a sequel. But why stop there? Why not do a show in a locale where the exercise of power is practically an art form in itself? No one has done that yet. But, close your eyes, let your head spin a little, and imagine that Burnett is secretly at work on a spinoff called “The Apprentice Goes Hollywood,” which would feature the same format, except that a group of wannabes would compete for a job working for a top Hollywood mogul. But is there a power broker who could possibly trump Mr. Trump? As it happens, I’ve obtained an e-mail from Burnett’s talent scout, assessing some leading candidates.

Dear Mark,

After checking out the talent out here, I can safely say that if you thought Citizen Trump was a pain ... you ain’t seen nothing yet. Everyone here is juiced about having a show. But I’m getting socked by more crazy preconditions, cellphone allowances, cinematographer approvals and dietary restrictions than a Madonna tour promoter. Here’s a list of finalists for you to peruse. As requested, I included a few well-known “filmmaker” types to broaden our horizons. For each, I’ve listed pros, cons and one impossible task our job applicants would have to perform for each boss. Trust me, with some of these people, we can go for years without running out of impossible tasks.

Harvey Weinstein

Pro: Will let us film him at his anger management classes.

Con: Wants a theatrical release so he can do an Oscar campaign.

Impossible task: Stopping him from smoking for an entire show.

Michael Eisner

Pro: We’ve convinced him the Disney board won’t give the winner his job.

Con: Absolutely no “Alamo” jokes allowed.

Impossible task: Getting him to return Steve Jobs’ phone calls.

Scott Rudin

Pro: Won’t need boom mike to pick up tirades.

Con: May need paramedics on standby to treat wounds from flying objects.

Impossible task: Stopping him from firing all the apprentices in the first episode.