Trojans Would Easily Handle Meek Chargers

I spent some time watching the San Diego Chargers practice this week, and talk about going nowhere. I can’t recall a more depressing visit since I stopped by Darryl Henley’s prison cell.

Then I watched USC scrimmage Saturday, and I’d make our Trojans a nine-point pick to beat San Diego, while also making it Grocery Store Bagger Night at Qualcomm Stadium in the hopes he’d use his contacts to provide Charger fans with something to cover their heads.

Now I know the Spanos Goofs just gave $60 million to running back LaDainian Tomlinson because they said he’s something special, but I wonder if the real reason they’ve done so is because they’ve given up signing quarterback Philip Rivers and from now on will just snap the ball directly to Tomlinson.

It certainly beats starting every play with the ball in Drew Brees’ hands.

I’m probably a little biased, because as you know, I’m such a die-hard Trojan supporter, but after what I saw this week it’s pretty obvious that Pete Carroll’s defense has more NFL-caliber players on its first unit than the Charger offense has NFL-caliber players on its first unit.

And I know Tomlinson is good, but he loses a race to Reggie Bush. As Carroll said after Saturday’s scrimmage, “the defense just couldn’t tackle him,” and when he gets tired the Trojans can go to LenDale White or Hershel Dennis. If the Chargers have to rely on someone other than Tomlinson, they forfeit.

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TELL ME you wouldn’t be interested. Both CBS.sportsline.com and ESPN.com rank the Chargers last in their power polls, while Associated Press on Saturday selected the Trojans No. 1. What if they played each other?

Long ago, you know, when Sports Editor Bill Dwyre still had hair, a flat stomach, didn’t need glasses and require an afternoon nap, they matched a team of college All-Stars against an NFL team every year. Why not the best college football team matched against the worst NFL team? OK, so the Chargers would be playing every year; that’s all right, it’d be their bowl game.

The Chargers were only 20,000 tickets shy of selling out their first exhibition game. There would be standing room only if the Chargers took on the Trojans in an exhibition game; they’d probably want to make it a Monday night TV game, which would be the Chargers’ only chance of making it on Monday night TV.

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THE TROJANS received 48 of the available 65 first-place votes to top the AP poll, but apparently have not done enough in practice to impress the Orange County Register’s USC beat reporter, Todd Harmonson, who voted Oklahoma No. 1.

Obviously, Harmonson isn’t a homer like the rest of us who worship the Trojans -- and for the obnoxious folks who used to yell ugly things at me before my conversion, I will point him out to you at the first home game.

(The Times does not participate in the AP poll because it doesn’t want to give anyone at the Orange County Register a chance to mock one of its reporters. If Notre Dame ever gets good, though, I’m sure Dwyre will come out of retirement and urge The Times to allow its writers to participate and vote the Irish No. 1.)

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I’M TELLING you, I’ve covered the NFL on a regular basis since 1981, and if you put the Chargers on one side of the field in anonymous football uniforms and the Trojans on the other side, you couldn’t tell me which one is the college team. The Trojans are huge. Bigger and heavier than Angel catcher Bengie Molina.

There is no question they miss receiver Mike Williams. They lined up a freshman, Dwayne Jarrett, in his place, and while he’s the same height as Williams, he’s 35 to 40 pounds lighter and probably a year or two away from dominating college games. Now don’t get me wrong, he could start today for the Chargers.

But I would just feel a lot better if Williams was on the field, which makes me wonder why he’s not out there. In fact, something seems fishy here, because he can practice, but Carroll has told him to stay away.

Last week, I was reading every day how Williams was dedicating himself to his schoolwork like he was making some kind of late run to gain Rhodes scholar consideration. Summer school is over, and yet he wasn’t involved in Saturday’s scrimmage. Has he become a head case? Does USC already know he won’t be available? Do the Trojans believe he’ll be suspended for the first game?

Has USC confided in Harmonson, and this is why the Register scribe is leaning toward Oklahoma?

I don’t want to come across like just another obnoxious Trojan fan -- I just want our guys to win by as many touchdowns as possible.

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ON SATURDAY, The Times reported that Molina isn’t lazy because he’s fat, but rather he’s fat because it allows him to be more productive. And I’m sure when he comes off the disabled list, he will be.

Times’ reporter Ben Bolch sat with Jose Guillen, who suddenly wanted everyone to know for some reason that he’s not a malcontent, but rather a real good guy. Guillen also made a point of telling me, “Nice job,” after he granted me permission earlier in the week to write anything I wanted in the paper and referred to him as a “Lunkhead.” He also wanted me to know, “I wish I wasn’t on your fantasy baseball team.”

For two guys who didn’t want to talk to the media, it appears now there’s no shutting them up.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jennifer:

“Do you ever stop to wonder why your wife remains married to you?”

I haven’t quite settled yet on who will replace her.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.