Like, this Val gal (and savage wit) just loves to shop

Singer-writer-actress Sandra Bernhard lives primarily in New York but has hung onto remnants of her L.A. life -- a house in the Valley she’s owned since the mid-’80s and a 1991 Acura her friends refer to as “the bucket.” She performs a cabaret show at UCLA’s Royce Hall on Saturday.

Chocolate fix

My favorite thing to do is go shopping at Whole Foods and load up on all the things I need. A lot of eggs with omega-3 fatty acids. I used to eat salmon, but now they’re telling us farm-raised salmon are full of PCBs. What are they feeding these salmon? Anyway, I like to shop at Whole Foods. I loved it back when it was Mrs. Gooch’s.

I never miss going to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a pure chocolate ice blended, with a dollop of whipped cream. And there’s Ventura Kosher Meats, way out in Tarzana. There’s a really rocking woman butcher there named Debbie. She’s brilliant.

Now that I have a little girl -- Cicely, she’s 5 1/2 and very sophisticated -- there’s a whole lot of other things to do. Like watch her ride her bike up and down the driveway. I really am truly a Valley girl. I’ve never gotten tired of it.

Face time

I always head over to the Face Place, where I get my facials, in West Hollywood. I go to Myra there. It’s amazing -- they really scrub you -- but it’s not a real luxury treatment. It’s a little painful, but I like things that really accomplish something. Then I’d go to Real Food Daily for lunch. I love the Yin Yang salad, and the soups are amazing. When I’m in L.A., I’ll be there three days a week eating. I’ll probably pop into Trashy Lingerie and pick up something in polyester. Just kidding. But I always go in there to see what’s the latest. It’s always some holiday theme, so I’m sure they’ll have interesting things for Valentine’s.

I spend a lot of time visiting my friend Erin, who runs the Jonathan Adler store on Melrose. Adler is New York-based but has stores around the country. His stuff is ‘60s-influenced pottery and ceramics, plus he’s got a whole line of pots to plates and couches. It’s a whole lifestyle kind of store. It’s super-modern and fabulous.

I’d also go to Tracey Ross, the clothing store on Sunset Plaza. She carries a wide range of Juicy Couture, really L.A. kind of gear. I usually pop in there after I pop in to Equinox, the gym across the street. AOC is one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. It’s wonderful. It’s like tapas. Love that. That’s the vibe there.

No to Arnold

I don’t go out to clubs much. My really good friend Lady Copper is a promoter at places like Jewel’s Catch One on Pico, so occasionally I go to one of her clubs. Once in a while I hook up with Paul Mooney -- he’s my mentor. He discovered me. He’s a brilliant stand-up comedian and writes for everybody. So I’ll go see him do a set at the Comedy Store.

Occasionally I make it down to the beach. I used to go the beach all the time, when I was first living there, I was in Venice all the time. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced himself to me on the beach when I was 19. I told him then, “I’m never going to vote for you.”

-- Robin Rauzi