Goodbye, ‘Playmakers,’ Hello, No-No-No Bowl

If you were in charge of programming for ESPN -- and, chances are, we’d all be better off if you were -- would you trade your most talked-about show, one that consistently makes headlines, for the Pro Bowl?

Reading between the lines of the news releases, which had the sound of a school kid on detention trying to get back in the teacher’s good graces, that was the result of this week’s biggest NFL television news that didn’t involve CBS or MTV.

TRANSACTIONS

ESPN: Waived “Playmakers,” which averaged a 1.9 rating during its brief lifetime, not bad by cable standards, but much too high as far as the NFL was concerned. Reactivated the Pro Bowl, also known as the No-No-No Bowl, as in: No one tackles, no one watches and no one remembers who won a week after the game has been played.

Sunday, the Pro Bowl returns to ESPN after nine years of neglect on ABC, which moved the game out of prime time and into an afternoon starting slot, costing the Pro Bowl more than 40% of its TV audience. ESPN has restored the prime-time kickoff -- 4:30 p.m. locally, 7:30 p.m. in the East -- and, in another news release, promised viewers “unprecedented access through the use of specialty game cameras and microphones positioned in locker rooms, along the sidelines, in the huddles and on select players and coaches, providing viewers with greater insight into the strategy of the game and enabling them to fully experience the intensity of NFL action.”

That sounds suspiciously like the business plan of the XFL -- and that’s supposed to bring back more TV viewers?

Here’s a better idea: Cancel the extra cameras and mikes, save everybody some money and some time, because we already know what’s coming.

* Greater insight into the strategy of the game: Pro Bowl coach to Pro Bowl players, “All right, go on out there and don’t get anybody hurt!”

* Fully experience the intensity of NFL action: AFC cornerback to NFC wide receiver: “Look, we’re both free agents after this game. You don’t cut me, I don’t hit you over the middle. We must protect this house, know what I mean?”

* Unprecedented access along the sidelines and in the huddles: Inside the AFC huddle: “Can you believe Marc Bulger’s here and Tom Brady isn’t?” Along the NFC sideline: “I mean, Martz wouldn’t even let Bulger throw once into the end zone at the end against Carolina.”

The Pro Bowl is part of the NFL package ESPN owns through the 2005 season. But it couldn’t be guaranteed 2006 if it green-lighted a second season of “Playmakers,” Paul Tagliabue’s least-favorite television show of all time.

“Many considerations went into this decision, not the least of which was the reaction from a longtime and valued partner,” said Mark Shapiro, ESPN executive vice president for programming and production, in a post-cave-in statement. ESPN talked the talk with “Playmakers,” which was so self-consciously “in-your-face” it was almost a parody. But with TV contract talks looming in 24 months and the NFL going tsk-tsk-tsk, the boldness “Playmakers” promised with its 24/7 advertising assault was nowhere to be found.

“Playmakers” was many things -- crass, cliched, heavy-handed -- but it wasn’t the worst thing on ESPN. Which reminds me: Max Kellerman’s ESPN contract has expired and he might jump to another network, leaving “Around the Horn” for good.

He wouldn’t be the first of the original “Horn” cast to walk, and we can only hope it continues a trend that eventually leaves the host’s chair and the four split screens all gloriously unfilled. What if they all decided to slink away, one by one? Would anybody notice? Why hasn’t Tagliabue weighed in on this? After the Super Bowl, doesn’t Tagliabue owe this country some community service?

Where’s the NFL when you really need it?

Available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

* Pebble Beach National Pro-Am

(Channel 2, noon)

For those searching for the next Joe Montana on the first weekend after his second Super Bowl MVP trophy in three years, Tom Brady was last spotted here, golfing at Pebble Beach, while Peyton Manning, Steve McNair and Trent Green practiced near another beach, getting ready to take their places as “the AFC’s three best quarterbacks” at the Pro Bowl.

* Davis Cup

(ESPN2, 9 a.m.)

Troubled by a gambling scandal during late 2003, men’s pro tennis opens its 2004 Davis Cup schedule with a first-round match between the United States and Austria held at a casino complex in Uncasville, Conn.

* Millrose Games

(Channel 4, noon; delayed)

Marion Jones competes in her first race since becoming a mom. That’s one reason to watch. Another: Keep track of all the American track athletes who win events at Madison Square Garden and see how many are ruled ineligible for Athens by the time the THG/BALCO scandal plays itself out.

SUNDAY

* NHL All-Star game

(Channel 7, noon)

Another All-Star game featuring no defense, no hitting and not all the big-name players, only this one will be played on ice in an arena surrounded by snowbanks in St. Paul, Minn. The defending Stanley Cup finalist Ducks do not have anyone in the game. The Kings will be represented by defenseman Mattias Norstrom, who missed Tuesday’s game against Calgary because of blurred vision. This year’s leading All-Star vote-getter is Atlanta Thrasher Ilya Kovalchuk.

In related news, Atlanta has been named host city for the 2005 NHL All-Star game. Ominously, Atlanta also hosted the 1996 Summer Olympics. All is not lost, however. A players’ lockout could cancel the 2005 NHL All-Star game.