There Is Little Power in Positive Thinking

I’ve never quite understood why I’m asked the question, but every so often some idiot wants to know why I never write anything positive about anybody.

Let me tell you, I begin every day with a smile on my face, but I walk out of my house and the first thing I notice is the empty home to the left -- the one that has sat vacant ever since the woman with the ugly dog moved out. I have no idea why they can’t find someone to move in next door.

I look to the other side and that house is empty too, the owners electing to move to Omaha -- as if I was really serious when I wrote that I was hoping our dog would bite off three of their little rugrat’s fingers to make the boy/girl, or whatever it was they had, a permanent USC fan.

OK, so then I get into the car to go to work, and turn on sports talk radio because sports is my job, which is pretty depressing these days when you think about it. I suppose I could write about the seven alleged incidents of sexual assault at Colorado, and say it’s a good thing it’s not eight so far.

As for sports talk radio, yeah, that’ll put you in a good mood. I get paid three times a week to be on the Tony Bruno Show on XTRA Sports 690 and 1150, but they don’t pay me enough to listen to Bruno’s all-Philadelphia sports talk.

So I usually make the mistake of tuning to 1540, I guess, because I’m hoping some day management will force host Roger Lodge to stop saying, “Break it down for me,” which will leave nothing but dead air. And what an improvement that would be.

Once I arrive at work, the first face I see is that of sports editor Bill Dwyre, and you try and start your day upbeat after listening to stories about old-time Notre Dame football -- the same ones he told the day before.

You want me to say something positive about Dwyre? The other day I wrote a column suggesting that every time I hear the last name of the Dodgers’ new general manager -- DePodesta -- I think of that secretary on “Moonlighting.”

Well, I’m positive it was Dwyre who deleted it from the column because he never heard of Miss DiPesto because “Moonlighting” was always on past his bedtime.

At this point in the day, though, I’m still feeling relatively good, knowing sooner or later Dwyre will leave to play golf. There’s still a chance I could write something nice about someone, but then I read in the morning paper that Todd Hundley might be lost for the season. I’m not sure I can go on.

I read further, and notice that whether Hundley plays or not, the Dodgers must pay him $6.5 million this season. Positive? I wish I had been more negative when I had the chance with former Dodger GM Dan Evans.

A press release moves on the wire. Max Kellerman has been hired by Fox Sports Net. As you know, the former host of “Around the Horn” had failed in his bid to get $850,000 from ESPN to stay and push the mute buttons. What’s more obscene? Kellerman’s asking for $850,000, or the Dodgers’ guaranteeing to pay Hundley $6.5 million? Let me tell you, that morning smile is beginning to wane.

The Fox press release begins: “Max Kellerman, the opinionated, Emmy-nominated ... “

Emmy-nominated? Tell me you could write a positive column after reading something as ridiculous as that. Tell me you could stop giggling enough to type. The press release continued, “Critics have hailed Kellerman as a ‘veritable voice of reason.’ ”

Maybe a “screaming voice of nonsense,” but come on.

Looking for something positive to write, I checked the Dodger website to find this headline: “Dodgers win Gagne arbitration.” They sure didn’t waste any time bragging about the victory over Eric Gagne -- you can imagine how happy the Boston parking lot attendant had to be saving $3 million.

The phone rings. It’s “Chris from Burbank.” He says, “I want my name in the newspaper.” I suggest breaking a leg and calling Plaschke and an ambulance. I tell him don’t be surprised if Plaschke gets there first.

“I’m serious,” he says, “I want my name in the paper,” so I ask him for his name, and he says, “no last names.”

These people live among you, and I’ve got to hope they have 50 cents in their pocket so I can continue to live in my ghost-town neighborhood.

I still have to write a column. I read in the paper that the Moonlighting secretary says he doesn’t feel a sense of urgency in acquiring a big-time hitter for the Dodgers. It didn’t take him long to start talking like Evans.

He goes one step further in the L.A. Daily News and says “opening day is not a deadline either” to get a big hitter. I’m sure there’s a bright side to this story, but so far it escapes me. There was a San Francisco radio report that Jose Canseco said he was going to try out of the Dodgers. And didn’t he say he would have tested positive for steroids back in his day. You see, I’m trying....

At this time of day, though, my feel-good options are dwindling. I can go to the UCLA game and watch the Bruins’ relentless drive to gain NIT attention, or hold my nose, make a night of it in the dingy Sports Arena and hope I get the chance to swap yucks with Mike Garrett.

OK, so there’s always the Clippers. Just think about all the positive things you could write about the Clippers these days. Really like their uniforms.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in a story from the Denver Business Journal:

Billionaire Philip Anschutz has purchased the San Francisco Examiner.

I think Tim Leiweke would make a great Page 2 columnist; I know he always wants the Last Word.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.