Enjoy the Win, Dodgers, It Won’t Happen Often

In addition to the morning newspaper, I almost always check out the Dodgers’ website because I like to start the day with a good laugh.

Monday, for example, they had already removed the hilarious headline proclaiming their big salary arbitration romp over Eric Gagne and the success they’d had in making sure Gagne got paid less than Todd Hundley this season. I guess the Dodgers will take a victory any way they can get it.

Hundley might not play this year, but he’s guaranteed $6.5 million. Gagne will draw $5 million. Last I saw Hundley, he was smoking a cigarette outside the Dodgers’ clubhouse, so I presume the Dodgers took into account the extra cost of cigarettes to keep him happy.

As for Gagne, he doesn’t get beat very often, so you can imagine how thrilled the Dodgers were to whip him. The story on the “official site of the Los Angeles Dodgers” last week put it like this: “Financially, the biggest Dodger save of the season will belong to assistant general manager Kim Ng, who quarterbacked the Dodger case [against Gagne].”

Right now I have to believe Ng is more valuable than Gagne to the Boston parking lot attendant who owns the Dodgers, so don’t be surprised if you see Ng’s likeness on the Dodger Stadium outfield walls come opening day, along with all the other greats in team history.

*

NG’S JOB was to make Gagne look worse than his stats before three arbitrators so the Dodgers wouldn’t have to pay him what he wanted. Working alongside Dan Evans the last few years, she obviously developed a skill for knocking people, because she turned the Cy Young winner into just another closer.

Now, I always thought a team’s website, like the Dodgers’, was designed to make fans feel good about the team, maybe even persuade the faithful to buy some tickets or Dodger paraphernalia.

But over the weekend, the Dodger website featured a picture of Ng, who did the number on Gagne -- maybe the Dodgers’ most popular player. Let that be a warning, I guess, to any other player who asks for more money than the Dodgers have in their bank account -- they’ll Ng you until you look a lot worse than you ever dreamed.

Ng is pictured standing beside the kid they hired to be the Dodgers’ new GM, and there you have it -- the Dodgers’ brain trust. Below the inspiring photo is this -- and it has to be some kind of joke: “New Dodgers GM Paul DePodesta indicated the much-anticipated trade to solve the club’s offensive woes is not imminent.”

Or a serious effort to send fans off to buy Angel tickets.

*

MAYBE IT’S Ng’s influence, but the Dodgers continue to downgrade their own players on their own website. At the bottom of the first page is a poll asking fans to vote: “Who will not be in the Dodgers’ starting rotation?” and naming Wilson Alvarez, Darren Dreifort, Kaz Ishii, Odalis Perez and Jeff Weaver.

Who will not be? Most teams can be accused of being positive to the point of misrepresenting the truth, but not the Dodgers. They want you to pick who is the biggest stiff of them all among Alvarez, Dreifort, Ishii, Perez and Weaver.

The local fans haven’t even seen Weaver, the Yankee reject, but more than 9,000 -- or 40% of those voting -- named Dreifort the bum of the lot.

That should do wonders for Dreifort’s confidence -- not to mention the fact that of all the guys listed, Dreifort has been the most outspoken about not wanting to pitch in relief. I guess the fans just want some controversy.

*

I WENT deeper into the website, and read that the new GM is in no hurry to find a hitter to bat behind Shawn Green. He said, “There’s more of a chance it would happen later in the spring than now. That would afford us the opportunity to see our guys.”

What’s to see? Robin Ventura striking out? Bubba Trammell? Adrian Beltre living up to his promise? Is there some kind of regulation that says whoever is hired as Dodger GM must say stupid things?

I guess so. DePodesta already had said in the morning paper he wanted to meet with Green because of his critical comments this winter about the offense, as if there’s a danger now of Green becoming the Dennis Rodman of the Dodger clubhouse. Where do they get these Dodger GMs? The time schmoozing with Green might be better served getting the White Sox on the phone and getting Magglio Ordonez in here.

The Boston parking lot attendant promised swift and decisive action when he took control, and now the new GM is stressing patience. So far, it appears the only thing accomplished to date is irritating Gagne, and delivering double talk.

*

WHEN IT comes to a contract extension, Shaquille O’Neal says he wants to stay with the Lakers, “but I’m always going to take care of myself and take care of my family.”

When he becomes eligible for a contract extension, O’Neal will have collected around $210 million for playing basketball and countless millions more for failed movies, endorsements and other ventures.

Speaking from experience as a married man with two daughters -- I know that’s not nearly enough to give them everything they want.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes from the Dodgers’ Spring Training notes:

“Sunday night marked the first round of the annual Spring Training bowling competition and leading the pack was the Major League coaching staff.....”

I didn’t think it would be the players; we already know they can’t hit anything.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.