Cub History Can’t Spoil Banks’ Sunny Disposition

Ernie Banks played 19 seasons for the Chicago Cubs and never won a thing. He makes his home in Los Angeles now apparently because he likes to hang around losers; the Dodgers haven’t won a playoff game since 1988, which has to make Banks feel right at home.

Mr. Cub will be at Dodger Stadium tonight to root for his old team, and he said, “We’re going to beat the Dodgers in all three games.” He also likes to go to Clipper games, he said, and every time he goes he expects the Clippers to win.

Banks, of course, wakes up every day upbeat and happy, which makes him annoying, and very strange. I’d like to see how happy and upbeat he would be if he had to report to work every day for Sports Editor Bill Dwyre.

It’s unnatural for someone to smile as much as Banks does. Obviously, Banks hasn’t been married for 31 years to the same woman, who insists on beginning every Monday with the reminder to put out the garbage cans.

I don’t know about you, but happy, chirpy, bubbly people bug me, and when you take into account Banks’ history, I don’t understand why he’s not miserable like the rest of us.

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I GREW up in Chicago, scarred for life watching the Cubs, and as I told Banks on Monday, I specifically blame Mr. Cub for that. “I’ve been in baseball for 50 years, and no one has ever said that to me before,” Banks said.

Every year Banks would talk optimistically about the Cubs’ chances of winning it all and then they wouldn’t come close, which might explain why Page 2 comes down so hard on teams like the Dodgers who prove to be Choking Dogs. Blame it on Mr. Cub.

I sat in the Wrigley Field bleachers with glove on hand for years waiting for Banks or a teammate to hit a homer. I caught one hit by the St. Louis Cardinals’ Curt Flood and the Pittsburgh Pirates’ Donn Clendenon; I should have known no Cub would hit one.

“Let’s do it now,” chirped Banks. “You get your glove and sit in the left-field bleachers and I’ll hit you one.”

The guy is 73 years old, happy and upbeat, all right, as if he can still hit the ball that far, which probably leaves me sitting there all day again waiting for a miracle. I’d probably get more action going to a Spark game.

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WHEN I called Banks to blame him for a miserable childhood, he answered the phone saying, “Cubs win, Cubs win,” as if that’s really happened much in his life.

“They’re going to win this year and go all the way,” he said. “It’s like Tiger Woods says, ‘finish the job.’ ”

If only Tiger Woods had been born 40 years earlier to tell Banks & Co. to “finish the job -- just once,” I said, and Banks laughed. I didn’t mean it as a joke.

I know what would be funny -- putting Banks back in uniform and putting his locker next to Kevin Brown’s.

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BANKS, PROBABLY known best for gushing, “Let’s play two,” as if anyone could sit through two boring baseball games let alone one, went looking before this season for Steve Bartman, the fan who prevented Moises Alou from catching a ball down the left-field line last year, which probably cost the Cubs a World Series berth.

Instead of pursuing him with bat in hand, Pollyanna wanted to invite him to throw out the first pitch this season.

Both Banks and the Cubs, however, could not find him, which leaves open the possibility that he’s moved to Los Angeles knowing there’s no chance of costing the home team an opportunity of making it to the World Series.

“This could be the year, though,” Banks said, which cinches it: The Dodgers don’t have a prayer.

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THE DODGERS noted this week that Chin-Feng Chen is the Dodgers’ sixth all-time minor league home run hitter with 115. Jim Gentile is the Dodgers’ all-time minor league leader with 208, and from what I’ve seen from Chin-Feng in the majors, I think he’ll have all the time he needs at the minor league level to catch Gentile.

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ASSOCIATED PRESS reported that former Buffalo running back Thurman Thomas was arrested for marijuana possession. Patti Thomas, his wife, said, “Basically, what he has said was some other guys were with him and because it was near his room, he got caught up in it. He’s not claiming any responsibility for it.” Once an athlete, I guess, always an athlete.

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FIRST IMPRESSION listening to NBA sideline reporter Michele Tafoya, who will replace Lisa Guerrero on “Monday Night Football”: She talks too much and doesn’t know when to cut off a boring interview. Jerry Jones will love her.

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I LISTENED TO ABC-TV’s Al Michaels and Doc Rivers defend Gary Payton on Sunday, and watched the fans give Payton a standing ovation after he played well. I guess if a baby cries enough, he’ll get what he wants.

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THE HORSE’S name was “Get Along” before the wife’s owner paid $100 to change its name to “Smarty Jones.” I mention this because I have a friend, Gene Wojoaskflpsblewski, or something like that, and for $100 he could make it a lot easier on us when we need to spell his last name, and make it Gene Jones.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jack Christianson:

“One of your articles last month mentioned how you looked forward to spending Easter with the Grocery Store Bagger and his family. My daughters wanted me to ask how it went. Since Mother’s Day is the first ‘family get-together day’ since then, [did you spend it with] the Bagger and his family?”

I thought my dad worked every holiday for the overtime.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.