Gorillas in our midst

When the naked apes gathered around the watering hole one recent Saturday night, my friend Eve and I were there, on a scientific mission.

“Don’t make eye contact!” Eve urged in a fierce whisper. We were present to study the mating habits of Hetero drinkalotus, the suburban straight male.

In the style of modern-day Margaret Meads, we strove to observe, not interact with, the creatures. But some mingling was inevitable, as I had absentmindedly worn a miniskirt and sandals with sequins, and as everyone knows, Hetero drinkalotus can become mesmerized by shiny objects. Also, Eve was unfortunately having a very good hair day.

Subtly imitating the creatures, we bellied up to the long wooden platform and ordered two beverages: a Newcastle and a Guinness. The bartender looked at us quizzically. “Er, what do you drink?” Eve ventured to ask. “Bud Light or whiskey,” he replied. “Oh, that’s what I usually drink too,” Eve said, unconvincingly. I feared our cover was blown.

Just then one of the apes approached us. “Is this seat taken?” he asked, pointing to the unoccupied stool to my right. “No,” I said, then turned back to Eve.

The somewhat chunky H. drinkalotus tapped me on the arm. “Thanks. Thanks for the seat,” he said.

“You are welcome,” I said.

“What are you drinking? Can I buy you a black-and-tan?” he asked, venturing a guess.

Eve elbowed me. “Must wander off now,” I muttered.

We walked to the back patio, where I surreptitiously got out my field glasses and scanned the area. I did not see any apes that might be considered mating material.

“But look at the [slatternly females]!” Eve said. “Doesn’t that make you feel better?”

I reminded her that my feelings were irrelevant in a scientific study.

We sat down to see what the apes would do next, and took a moment to observe H. drinkalotus’ drinking habits. We noted the beady eyes darting back and forth above the upended bottle, followed by the inevitable loss of opposable dexterity resulting in mob disparagement. And the posture: the forced nonchalance of the average ape leaning against the bar, but internally coiled to strike.

A gaggle of pugilistic-faced H. drinkalotus then approached us and asked if four chairs were “free.” Eve gave an affirmative shrug. They sat with their backs to us, but every minute or two one of them would look over his shoulder at us.

“Don’t make eye contact!” Eve hissed.

Upon further observation, we realized that after approximately three over-the-shoulder looks, a male ape would approach a female. So we left after the second such otiose gesture.

Back inside, we passed two H. drinkalotus, one of whom called out, “Heeellllo, ladies!” I automatically turned and looked in the direction of the noise. Was that a mating cry?

Eve and I sat on the other side of the bar. “See that puka shell necklace-wearing gent yonder?” I whispered to Eve. That is the ‘Hello, ladies’ fellow.”

“Oh no, you whispered!” Eve said.

Puka Shell’s companion took that as a sign to sidle up behind us. “Do not turn around. Do not make eye contact,” Eve said tersely. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Puka Shell join his pal. They looked ready to pounce. “Don’t look around. Don’t ask any questions. Just get up now,” Eve said. I followed her back outside.

“Apparently, they attack in pairs,” I said. I jotted that down in my little notebook.

“This experiment is getting dangerous. The apes are getting addled,” I said.

“Let’s go to the Donut Man,” Eve suggested. We backed out of the bar slowly.

Our observations:

1. Hetero drinkalotus lurks at watering holes at night, waiting for thirsty females.

2. H. drinkalotus usually waits until eye contact is established to approach a female, but may approach without provocation. Accidental eye contact is sufficient to spur approach.

3. H. drinkalotus has no concept of whether he possesses plumage attractive enough to interest a female. He considers himself a worthy mate for any female, even one with truly fabulous hair.

4. If a female wishes to thwart an approach, she must immediately leave the area. Any hesitation will be interpreted as a sign of weakness, which may elicit an attack.

Addendum: In a desperate situation, a female may escape by throwing doughnuts at Hetero drinkaloti and then quickly fleeing while they feed.

Samantha Bonar can be reached at samantha.bonar@latimes.com.

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