Dodgers Aren’t Doing Themselves Any Favors

Hey, Dodger fan, climb down from that Union 76 sign and let’s talk.

For your lads to miss the playoffs after Friday’s 4-2 loss to those stupid San Francisco Giants, several things have to happen, and they’re rarer than a Hee-Seop Choi hit.

(Although didn’t he slap a double two nights ago?)

The Dodgers have to lose their next four games, and they’ve haven’t lost that many consecutive games since the middle of summer.

(But before that, it happened twice, right?)

The Dodgers would also have to get swept in a three-game series at home, and that hasn’t happened since June.

(But earlier, the Cincinnati Reds did it, correct?)

They would also have to be swept in a series by those stupid Giants, and that hasn’t happened in how long?

(It happened in June)

OK, Dodger fan, start climbing.

*

Although these last two days in Chavez Ravine are not yet about lions and tigers and bears, they’re certainly about butterflies.

The Dodgers lost Friday’s game with their best starting pitcher, and today they must face the Giants’ hottest starting pitcher, Brett Tomko.

If this thing lasts until Sunday -- goodness gracious -- they will face the Giants’ ace Jason Schmidt.

And then if the Dodgers lose the West Division championship playoff game in San Francisco on Monday and play the Houston Astros in a wild-card playoff game on Tuesday?

You remember Roger Clemens.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers will counter today with replacement Elmer Dessens, a late-season pickup from Arizona who is picking a fine time to make his first start as a Dodger.

In his last nine starts with the Diamondbacks, he had a 7.68 earned-run average.

Then, if it lasts until Sunday, against their better wishes, the Dodgers will have to start Odalis Perez on three days’ rest.

For the first time in his major league career.

(Awkward silence here while wondering, are they really in trouble?)

“There’s no reason to panic anytime,” said Steve Finley late Friday. “We’re in the driver’s seat.”

Cliches aren’t going to cut it. We need facts. Anybody have any supporting facts?

How about, the Dodgers could still make the playoffs this weekend if the Astros lose once in their final two games against the Colorado Rockies?

Speaking on behalf of everyone who saw the Rockies this week, fat chance.

The Dodgers are going to have to do this on their own, do it while staggering to the finish, their bats tired, their concentration lagging, and their fans -- second consecutive sellout -- restless.

Four hits in a game started by balloon-ball throwing Kirk Rueter ?

“I don’t think he did anything differently than he’s done against us before; I mean I could have pitched tonight and got myself out,” said Jayson Werth.

Well, yeah, he’s been doing a lot of that lately, with just 10 hits in his last 56 at-bats.

Then there is Finley, whose Friday homer was his first in 60 at-bats.

How about Shawn Green, who has three hits in his last 21 at-bats?

“Early on, guys are trying to do too much,” said Green, referring to a typical malady affecting inexperienced teams on the verge of a clinch. “We’ve got to get some runs early and get everyone to relax.”

We know what you’re thinking.

But, no, Jim Tracy was not publicly buying the excuse that they miss suspended Milton Bradley.

“No, they’re very capable people in that lineup,” he said.

“One guy’s not going to make the difference between winning and losing the ballgame.”

Although once again, one guy might have been the difference when Jeff Weaver intentionally-unintentionally walked Barry Bonds to start the second inning.

He came around to score on a two-run double by Marquis Grissom, and we’ll write it again.

Walking Bonds to start the inning and you’re playing with the fire of a statistic that shows most inning-leadoff walks resulting in runs.

“If he keeps scoring runs one way or another, we’ll win,” said Felipe Alou, Giant manager. “A walk that scores him is as good as a home run. It’s been like that all year.”

All year has come down to four days, tops.

The Dodgers still have the two-game lead and the home field and the clear advantage.

But check back in a couple of hours.

Said the Giants’ J.T. Snow: “We’re like a bad cold that doesn’t go away.”

With only a couple of hours until fever.

*

Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Plaschke, go to latimes.com/plaschke.