Feeding Bryant’s Offense Is New Laker Pass Time

I figured it was a prank, maybe one of the radio stations dressing its deejay in a Laker uniform and sending him to media day Monday dressed in a gold jersey, so I asked Vlade Divac if he knew the names of his teammates and he said yes.

So I pointed to the guy with the bad body who was obviously no basketball player in a Laker uniform with the name “Yanke” on his back wearing No. 49, and asked Vlade if he knew Yanke’s first name, and he said, “Yeah sure, No. 49.”

I asked ESPN’s NBA expert, Marc Stein, who Yanke was, and he said, “Never heard of him.”

I asked CBS-TV’s Jim Hill, the hardest working broadcaster in L.A. as he insists that I describe him, and he said, “I intend to interview him next, but I have no idea who he is,” proving the point Hill will interview anyone if he thinks he’s a Laker.

I listened to Lamar Odom, Luke Walton and Brian Grant talk, and it became apparent it doesn’t matter who Yanke is, because like everyone else, the only reason anyone is here is to pass the ball to Kobe Bryant.

“The best player in the game,” Odom said, and he wasn’t talking about Yanke. “I never shoot the ball a lot anyway, so I’ll pass the ball to the best player in the game.”

I asked Rudy Tomjanovich how the Lakers were going to win without a center, and he said, “we’ll exploit our strengths and go to the guys who can shoot, like Kobe and Lamar.”

I told him Lamar intends to pass the ball to Kobe like everyone else, and Tomjanovich said, “Oh. Well, I’ll have to get Lamar to shoot more.”

Probably off of Kobe’s misses.

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THEY HAVEN’T officially changed their name yet to the Los Angeles Kobesters, but I couldn’t find anyone at media day with the guts to risk being traded and say they’ll shoot rather than pass it to Kobe.

That’s fine by me, of course, because this is the entertainment capital and right now the Lakers appear to be a mishmash of Yankes, but as for winning? How do the Lakers do that with a flopper (Divac) and a bad knee (Grant) at center?

“We’re going to win and we’re going to be fine with the guys we have,” Walton said, and I guess he won’t be following in his father’s footsteps as a TV analyst unless he’s modeling himself after Rex Hudler.

“I’m not going to be a TV analyst,” he said, just another guy who passes the ball to Kobe.

Divac, who will have to get NBA permission to use a cane to help him get up and down the court, set a career mark for assists last year, and since his job this year “will be to just pass the ball to Kobe,” he’ll probably do it again.

I’d have asked Kobe about being a one-man scoring team, but the media had him surrounded and he was probably busy rebuilding his image, which could be a full-time job for a while. I figure if he has anything important to say, I’ll get it from Jim Gray on ESPN.

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WHEN MEDIA Day was over Bryant went to his car and someone noted, “No bodyguards.” He was accompanied by Gray, though, who obviously had his back.

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I ASKED Tomjanovich if he was married, and he said he was, so I guess that leaves Jeanie Buss out of the picture. “I’m not going there,” Tomjanovich confirmed.

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BRIAN “STAGE” GARRIS from KPSI in Palm Springs asked Tomjanovich to do a radio promo, and Tomjanovich said, “Hi, this is Rudy Tomjanovich of the Houston Lakers ...”

Garris told Tomjanovich, “that was great, real smooth, but how about one more time and maybe mention the Los Angeles Lakers.”

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ODOM SAID, “Everybody thinks this is going to be a down year for us, but with hard work I think we’re going to surprise a lot of people.” It pays to have previously played for the Clippers and know just what to say in situations like this.

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WHEN IT was time to interview Devean George, he said, “Where do you want to do this?” and I said, “The bench, since you’re so familiar with it.”

The interview continued with me telling George he had no heart, hasn’t lived up to expectations and he’s usually missing when the going gets tough. He disagreed, but offered a very eloquent argument in his defense.

“You don’t know anything about basketball,” he said with a smile. “I’ve improved every year, and nothing you can [write] will make a difference.”

I reminded him that I got the Angels and the Dodgers to the playoffs, and he seemed surprised. “You got them to the playoffs?”

In addition to having no heart and not living up to expectations, I guess you’d have to say he’s also clueless.

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THE CLIPPERS had media day Monday, too. I wonder if anyone attended.

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THE NFL says the Orange County and L.A. TV markets belong to the Chargers, so when the Chargers fail to sell out a home game, DirecTV is not allowed to show their game here.

Those who complained Sunday while calling DirecTV were advised that the Chargers are now L.A.’s home team. Surprisingly, there were no reports of football fans asking for medical assistance after receiving such shocking news.

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OH, BY the way, it’s Neil Yanke, a 6-foot-11 center from Yale, or better known to Divac as No. 49.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Lorne D. Kapner, MD:

“What, nothing negative to say about UCLA, no jokes or pot-shots? I guess UCLA will have to lose to get a line in your column. Good luck with Cal, you’re gonna need it.”

Thanks Doc, but I love my chances of Cal beating UCLA.

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Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.