A Gift That Won’t Stop Giving ... Mortification

They were giving away powder blue UCLA shirts to season-ticket holders Saturday at the Rose Bowl, and so I asked one of the attendants if the shirts were reversible so they could be worn inside out the rest of the week to avoid the public humiliation of being linked to the losing school in town.

The way things are going, imagine getting a UCLA flag for your birthday and attaching it to your car so as to not hurt the gift-giver’s feelings. You’d probably have to park that car in the garage and start taking the bus or train.

Tell me you don’t feel sorry for the poor guy in front of you who might be driving a Ford Focus with rusted screws too tight to remove the license plate holder proclaiming the driver a UCLA grad.

There’s probably no telling these days how many Bruin fans are really out there, given their understandable desire for anonymity.

At this football time of year you just don’t see many people wearing UCLA shirts or baseball caps or wanting to talk about their team’s determined quest to get better and finish .500 this season.

I know they sell Bruin undershorts for $17, and I’ll take your word for it if you’re wearing them, but how would you like to be in an accident and have the nurses and doctors making fun of you for being such a loser?

By way of contrast, everywhere I go these days I run into Trojan supporters, loud, proud and obnoxious -- many of us wearing our USC Aloha shirts. Fight on.

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I THINK the important thing after yet another loss by the Bruins against a team they were favored to defeat is to accentuate the positive.

And so I applaud the folks at UCLA who continue to schedule these games and give their fans a secluded place like the Rose Bowl where they can gather and wear their powder blue without the risk of running into Trojan fans and being mocked.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to wake up these days as a UCLA supporter, and leave the house to mingle with folks who are so much better off.

I know some people are good at hiding it. I ran into Supervisor Zev Yaroslavsky, who was walking off the field with UCLA Chancellor Albert Carnesale after the Bruins’ 31-20 defeat, surprised to learn that he was a UCLA grad, which explains, I guess, why he can be so cranky at times.

I noted that he wasn’t wearing anything with a UCLA insignia on it, and he pointed to his blue shirt and khaki shorts, which would allow him to pass as a Bruin fan at the Rose Bowl, and then blend in with everyone else when he left. (Just what I would expect from a politician.)

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BEFORE SATURDAY’S UCLA opener, I walked among the Bruin fans outside the stadium, marveling at the festive atmosphere and all the happy people. It had the wonderful feel of a preseason Clipper picnic.

The cheerleaders performed for the folks across the street from the Rose Bowl, because it was a pretty safe bet there wouldn’t be anything to cheer for later, and the alumni band played, which reminded me of those on the Titanic who provided the entertainment before everyone drowned.

I ran into the Towel Waver, Ed Kezirian, and asked if he was ready to resume his role as the big goof on the UCLA sideline, and he said he had been stretching his arm. He introduced me to Dean Oxley, his Dykstra Hall roommate at UCLA in 1972, and I noticed Oxley wasn’t wearing anything with a UCLA insignia. Tough enough, I imagine, to explain to folks that your roommate went on to find a career as a towel waver.

When it came time for the game to start it appeared a lot of folks had elected to stay outside partying or go home. Take away the grade-school cheerleaders invited to perform, the Pee-Wee football teams and all their parents, and it reminded me of a UCLA basketball game where the place is usually half-filled.

I wonder now if we might be running out of Bruin fans, the sad sacks going underground and no longer willing to publicly identify themselves.

In some respects, it’s a relief, I guess, because I’ve always thought the daughter who can’t get a date will one day, and with my luck he’ll turn out to be a loser. At least now there’s a chance the guy will never let on that he’s a UCLA fan.

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THE $5 program for the first Bruin game featured three offensive linemen on the cover, which tells you how exciting this season is going to be.

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RAN INTO Coach Karl Dullard in the Bruin locker room and he seemed pretty excited about the team’s improvement on offense. A year ago, the Bruins averaged 19.3 points a game; Saturday they scored 20. And I thought it would take more than that to fire up Dullard.

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IN THE Times on Saturday, reporter Lonnie White wrote: “There have been times during UCLA’s preparation for today’s season opener against Oklahoma State when junior quarterback Drew Olson looked unstoppable.” Now we know why: He was playing against UCLA’s defense.

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AFTER HE broke his hand slamming it against a wall, New York Yankee pitcher Kevin Brown said, “Stupidity,” I presume because he realized you’re supposed to bang your head against the wall when you’re frustrated, and as hard as that is, he probably wouldn’t have broken anything.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Mark W.

“You talk about know-it-alls [in the media] and biased commentary, but if you reread your own article, notice the semi-anti Kobe approach you take.”

In the first place, what makes you think I read my own articles?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.