Tick, Tick, Tick ... Angels May Be Butt of This Choke

I knew the Angels were in serious trouble when I spotted Mickey Hatcher, the team’s hitting instructor, behind the batting cage Monday night showing Tim Mead, Angels’ vice president of communications, how to swing a bat.

These are desperate times around Angel Stadium, all right, the Angels’ offensive zeros in danger of being one of baseball’s biggest flops this season, and possibly suffering the cruelest indignity of all -- staying home to watch the Dodgers lose in the playoffs.

“In 13 games we’ll see if we’re the choke dogs or not,” Hatcher said, and right now there may not be any hotter race in baseball than the one pitting the Angels versus the Dodgers for local Choking Dog bragging rights.

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I WILL be in San Diego with the Dodgers to keep the heat on the guys, but before leaving I visited the Angels to see what I could do for the team that can no longer score. The Angels had been shut out in three of five games before Monday and would be trailing the Dodgers if they played in the same division.

Right away Manager Mike Scioscia noticed I was talking to Jose Guillen and yelled across the clubhouse: “[Tick] him off; he hits better.”

It’s a proven fact that every time I have [ticked] off Guillen, he has been productive, but while Scioscia was yelling at me, Guillen was calling for Angel public relations guy Larry Babcock, and I’ve never known anyone to go out of his way to talk to Babcock.

“Larry, Larry ...” shouted Guillen, and he sounded kind of silly. “Get him [Page 2] out of here; I don’t want to get [ticked] off.”

So here I have the manager of the Angels asking me to [tick] off one of his hitters with the hope it might spark the team, and I have the hitter unwilling to do whatever it takes to get the Angels to the playoffs. I do not have an easy job.

Babcock told Guillen the media belonged in the clubhouse -- Guillen striking out once more, and see whether he ever goes out of his way to talk to Babcock again.

“Look at everybody in here,” Guillen said, and I turned to find a bunch of mopes on a couch watching “Will & Grace.” “Everybody in here knows how to hit.”

I took a peek to see whether Shane Halter was sitting on the couch, because Guillen would have been obviously exaggerating.

“What do you want?” Guillen persisted.

“To help you guys score,” I said. “In fact, why don’t you and I go down to the batting cage? You should see what I did for Shawn Green.”

“We’re not the Dodgers,” Guillen said. “We’re the Angels. Shawn Green is with the Dodgers.” Don’t you just hate know-it-alls?

I made one more offer to help and he said, “Write what you want,” and so I left the Lunkhead behind and moved on to Adam Kennedy.

“Anything I can do to help?” I asked, and he said, “Yeah, get in a fight with Jose. That might get everyone going.”

I was willing, knowing that the way the Angels are going these days, he’d probably swing and miss. But if the guy didn’t want help, why bother? If the Angels want to miss the playoffs after being called the best team in baseball along with the Yankees when the season began -- how embarrassing.

Remember all those stories about how the Los Angeles Angels were going to dominate the Southern California market?

Well, as Darin Erstad said, “I’d change places right now with the Dodgers.” How embarrassing, indeed.

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GUILLEN STRUCK out in his first at-bat with runners on the corners, extending the Angels’ scoreless streak to 19 innings.

The Angels averted their third shutout loss in a row, though, something that hasn’t happened since 1978, with a run in the second. Catcher Bengie Molina, who’d probably go off as an underdog in a turtle race, chugged home on Kennedy’s sacrifice fly. I hope Guillen took note that my little chat with Kennedy paid off.

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WHO WOULD you rather have at third base next year -- Troy Glaus or Adrian Beltre? Who would you have selected when this season began? Both will be free agents, and based on Dallas McPherson’s major league debut against Seattle, it appears the Angels already have their third baseman for next year.

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I CONSIDER Jerry Rice the greatest player in NFL history, because unlike a quarterback or running back, the ball does not come easily to him. But I’m also familiar with his “me first” attitude, and so I wasn’t surprised that Rice’s record of 274 consecutive games with a catch ended in spoiled-child fashion.

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THE RESULTS from this week’s Associated Press poll indicate UCLA is only 1,612 points behind No. 1-ranked USC. Now as shocking as that might sound, it’s no more so than this -- the Bruins received one vote in this week’s poll.

I called AP to learn the identity of the person who knows nothing about college football, and discovered it’s Doug Doughty of the Roanoke (Va.) Times. Doughty ranked the Bruins No. 25 on his ballot, and he must have a lot higher opinion of the two crummy teams UCLA slipped past than anyone else.

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Charger quarterback Drew Brees passed for one yard in the first half against the Jets. At least he exceeded my expectations.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Kevin McGonagle:

“Wondering which will be more lucrative in today’s society -- catching and selling Barry Bonds’ 700th home run ball, or taking a folding chair across your face?”

I’m not sure, but I think I’d have a better chance of getting a folding chair across my face.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.