Those Veronica crushes are so one-dimensional

The best part about writing these columns? Attractive women all over L.A. stop me on the street to ask fun little relationship questions. Things like, “Why are you staring at me?” and “What made you think I wanted to date you?”

Once those awkward moments pass, they do seem curious about one other thing: “Why are so many men attracted to volatile women?” Good question. If you ask any guy whether he prefers someone calm and consistent or someone feisty and unpredictable, he’ll no doubt give you the following complex answer:

“That depends. What do they look like?”

And this is the species you spend time worrying about, ladies? Bet it makes you want to reexamine your options.

Scholars trace this nice girl/mean girl dilemma back to one of the seminal literary works of the 20th century: the “Archie” comic book series. Obviously, it’s the classic Betty-versus-Veronica syndrome. (For the sake of argument, I’ll be Jughead.) The cold, hard facts: Betty (blond hair/sweet) is a real dreamboat, but it’s Ronnie (dark hair/difficult) who makes Archie’s heart do back flips.

How is this possible?

Easy. Men have attention spans shorter than most Green Day songs. Thus, they desire both Betty and Veronica qualities in women -- setting an impossibly high standard when in fact they themselves spend most of their time napping and playing cards on the Internet.

Sometimes, a man will crave a gal who’s as unpredictable as Martha Stewart on a caffeine binge. Why? Just for the pure stimulation of it all. She’s challenging, frustrating and, yes, quite possibly difficult -- but she does keep your brain buzzing.

Same reason why professional racecar drivers seek out supermodels. Guys who drive 200 mph thrive on adrenaline. Plus they really like supermodels. If you must know, men will sometimes compare women to cars -- usually at a time when women can’t hear them.

A volatile gal actually has much in common with a really exotic automobile: They get loads of attention and they’re quite fun to show off around town, but they’re prone to spending a lot of time in the shop. Much like any number of classic British roadsters, or my orange 1976 Gremlin.

So what happens to these relationships? They burn out, of course. Veronicas, by their very nature, don’t last too long. The wheels eventually come off, and everyone involved winds up crying in a ditch on the side of the road. Then the guy has to go out and start all over again in a constant quest to recapture the excitement and drama.

Some men ride this treadmill over and over again, but don’t get me started on John Stamos.

However, when these guys go through their inevitable slumps, things appear quite different. Say his exotic, feisty girlfriend just dumped him, or he’s losing his (pick one) hair/job/mind, or he’s up on felony tax evasion charges.

Then, ladies, he’ll hum a totally different tune. He’ll long for a Betty (or his mother, depending on how the therapy has proceeded to this point). Now, it’s all about comfort, stability and the need to curl up and whimper.

But Bettys beware: You’ll attract men with your kind heart, consistency and nurturing personality.

Unfortunately, some guys simply don’t know how to accept those qualities. So for them it’s back to Veronica -- or maybe that quirky Judy Jetson.

Don’t fret, Bettys. You’re better off without them.

Not that I’ll ever get the chance, but if I had to date a cartoon character, I’d go with someone like Anna Nicole Smith. She’s both cute and complex.

And almost lifelike.

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Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.