Another Columnist Comes Clean

Open letter to readers:

I want to take a few moments today to speak to you directly. No goofing around. You may know that these are tough times for columnists. A Miami newspaper recently fired one of theirs for taping a conversation without the subject’s knowledge, and a Sacramento columnist, despite professing innocence, resigned three months ago after her bosses suspected her of making up people for use in the column.

That has probably left you thinking: “Hey, sport, what gives? Have you ever taped someone illegally or made people up?”

Then, of course, there’s the question of steroids. Athletes have used them to maintain high levels of performance over many years, and that surely has left you wondering whether I’ve ever been on the juice while writing my column.

Let me address that right now and in the most emphatic terms: I have never used steroids. Period. I don’t know how to say it any more clearly than that.

On second thought, maybe I can say it more clearly than that: I have never knowingly used steroids. Period.

Have other columnists used steroids? I have some suspicions, but I’m no Jose Canseco. I will not name names. Have I ever injected another columnist with steroids in a company restroom? I’d rather not say. The only exception I would ever make to this pledge of silence is if the day comes when I have nothing to write about and am desperate. Then, look out below.

You readers are the lifeline of the column. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I am sincere when I say it. I would never do anything (knowingly) to betray your trust. Because if I did, I would be fired, and I can’t afford to let that happen.

On to the other tough questions.

Have I ever illegally recorded a phone conversation? I can unequivocally deny that, because I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to rig a tape recorder to my phone. Would I do it if I had the technical expertise? No, I would not knowingly do something like that.

Have I ever made up anyone for use in the column? In short, have I ever been so hard up for a column that I resorted to creating someone, putting words in that creation’s mouth and then passed it off as a column -- especially if I were convinced that doing such a thing would produce a more readable column than one produced by ethical means?

No, I would never do that. Certainly, not knowingly -- although when I describe it like that, it sort of makes me wonder why I haven’t.

Of course, I’m joking. I would never intentionally write a more readable column.

Given the cloud of suspicion that hangs over some columnists, I understand you might now have misgivings. That’s why I wanted to come forward today and reassure you. When I wrote years ago about a pet detective looking for a beagle named Alice, she was a real detective. A boy named Jimmy who told me he wrote a note to God and attached it to his kite as a way to plead for his ailing bunny rabbit’s survival really existed. When I wrote about the crazy antics of an Orange County congressman named Bob Dornan ... OK, he was a figment of my imagination, but I think everyone knew that. No real person would act like that.

Finally, I’d like to address the young people in my readership. I know that many of you are under the age of 10, and that the revelations of recent months no doubt have been particularly unsettling to you. Perhaps some of you are thinking about a career as a columnist and have been disillusioned.

You’re wondering if you can handle this job and still perform in an ethical manner. You’re wondering if it wouldn’t be a heck of a lot more fun to make stuff up than to do it the right way. Or, if there might not be a column-enhancing steroid out there.

Kids, listen up. If you’re even remotely tempted to cut corners instead of relying on your God-given talent, don’t even think about it.

At least, not knowingly.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana

.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.