Glad to say goodbye
THIS was a cranky year, a Dick Cheney scowl of a year, a year full of unpleasant revelations and outrages. Iraq. The botched federal response to Katrina. California’s overpriced Hummer of a special election. L.A.’s around-the-clock gridlock. The eternally pointless conversation about whether women can have careers and be good mothers. There were so many big things to be tweaked about that we might have forgotten to focus on the little things. Which mean so much.
As the old year ends like a bad marriage, and the New Year looms like a fresh crush (unsullied by issues), what better time to air our accumulated grievances, in the hopes that verbalizing what annoys us will help make it go away.
Paris, are you listening?
This is an unfortunate fact: The No. 1 response to an informal survey asking for the biggest annoyances of ’05 was “Paris Hilton.” (Followed closely by “anyone with the surname of Simpson,” followed by reality TV and anything involving “promo-sexuals,” gay guys who tell you how to improve yourself/your home/your world. Cellphones as an irritation were trumped only by “complaints about cellphones, get over it already.” One exceptionally sensitive soul is sick of “amuse bouches,” those little food freebies that chefs present to customers before a meal.)
As much as we hate to pick on “celebutantes-turned-models,” as one recent news story described the 24-year-old hotel heiress, her burgeoning career-for-nothing leaves us no choice. The culture has raised her to idol status, and now it must destroy her. (That is how it works, right?)
Until that happens, you will continue to be bombarded by images of Paris Hilton in 2006. She is, after all, launching a line of accessories aimed at those who find her “aspirational” and will star in another season of “The Simple Life.” There is no penicillin strong enough to cure Paris-itis. So just ignore her.
And speaking of skinny girls with long hair, we could sure stand for the ubiquitous Lindsay Lohan to give it a rest. (Same goes for Mick Jagger and his never-ending world tour, for that matter.) Stay in and order a pizza for a few nights, kids! You’re both starting to look like an Olsen twin.
We can’t really complain about Lohan without complaining about the people responsible for providing so many photographs of her to the discriminating folks at USPeopleINStyle, the ones who brought us TomKat and Bennifer. Those editors really ought to take up a collection and send the paparazzi to driving school. We’d prefer to be spared both the words and pictures that ensue when photographers can’t find their brake pedals while tailgating Hollywood starlets on Robertson Boulevard.
(Although, come to think of it, there was that one beautiful moment recently when Ms. Hilton was videotaped in the passenger seat of her Bentley being driven into the back of a big truck by a boy who hid from the cameras by tossing a coat over his head. Yes, while driving. Stavros Niarchos, a Trojan who is nonetheless the grandson of a Greek shipping magnate, apparently was forced to learn the hard way that you can’t pilot a vessel blind. Talk about thinning the herd. Where is Charles Darwin when you need him?)
And throw away your wristbands. All of them. We know you have a social conscience. We’re very sorry to have to break this news to Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow, but we aren’t interested in your smoochy PDAs. Tom Cruise ruined it for all of you lovey-dovey celebrities. (Unless you are a penguin, and even then you are pushing it.)
We can’t even honestly say we wish Cruise and his baby-vessel the best, because we don’t actually care enough about them to do that. We might reconsider if the baby is named something like Dianetics -- hey, that’s not bad! -- because wacky celebrity baby names make us happy. We love Apple! And who could begrudge actor Jason Lee’s naming his son the incomprehensible Pilot Inspektor? Or Nicolas Cage’s little Kal-el? Frankly, it amuses our bouches to utter those names.
What isn’t so amusing is the L.A. restaurant scene, which has taken a dive this year. Could it be because no one wants to suck on foam and call it a meal? Or eat from “tasting menus” that offer minuscule amounts of forgettable food? Or because, thanks to “Sideways,” we’re too embarrassed to order our favorite Merlot? Just asking.
There is no escaping the reach of high technology, and, frankly, we have no desire to. But if we can put a rover on Mars, why the heck can’t Internet-service-provider brainiacs create a filter for Nigerian bank account scammers?
Getting tired of the tech
WE secretly cheered recently when news broke of a lawsuit by a Canadian company that may render all BlackBerries inert. It made us smile to imagine that our colleagues would have to look at us in meetings instead of bowing their heads as if in prayer when all they’re doing is deleting spam. Also, we don’t want to hear about another opportunity to download “Desperate Housewives” onto anything, unless it’s the washing machine screen at our local Laundromat. Until that day, we’ll take our TV the old-fashioned way: with our nose buried in a book as a TiVo’d episode of “The Daily Show” plays in the background.
As for (mostly) nonfake news, a.k.a. the mainstream media, can we all agree to stop the incessant navel gazing and get back to work? Bill Keller, love your paper, but you’ve exhausted us.
We adore blogs, and we embrace the concept of high self-regard as enthusiastically as the next guy, but bloggers, we’re telling you this for your own good: Your infatuation with yourselves is bor-ing. When you’re not fighting among yourselves like schoolchildren, you’re telling us how fabulous you are and how execrable the mainstream media are. Why don’t you just write a letter to the editor?
Yes, as you can see, 2005 has made us even crankier than usual. Maybe, in 2006, we should start a blog.
