Clearly, He’ll Never Give a Dodger Fan an Even Break

When you begin with a base of 3.6 million suckers willing to buy tickets to watch a bunch of no-name players with no names on the back of their jerseys lose 91 games, you know it’s not going to take much to get Dodger fans really excited.

Well, mission accomplished.

On Monday the Dodgers introduced their new first baseman, Nomar Garciaparra, returning to the position he last played in Little League, and a quick check of the ESPN Sports Nation fan poll later in the day indicated 65% now believe the Dodgers will make the playoffs.

Page 2 reader Steve Abrams e-mailed right away to say “even your cynical self must admit this is an improved team,” and the way the Dodgers played a year ago, signing a dead man to play first base would’ve been an upgrade.

I know how smart Dodger fans can be, rocking the stadium a year ago with “Hee-Seop Choi” chants -- usually just before he struck out -- and now they’re going to get Garciaparra, stepping out of the batter’s box after each pitch, bringing the game to a halt, tightening, retightening and then tightening again his batting gloves -- making Dodger games last another agonizing 20 minutes.

As a public service I asked Garciaparra if he knows how annoying he can be, much like golfer Sergio Garcia and his extended waggle before Jack Nicklaus told him to knock it off, and Garciaparra said, “Annoying to you maybe, but now everyone in Little League is doing it.”

What’s one more bad role model in the Dodger clubhouse? Which reminds me, Derek Lowe was at the Garciaparra news conference along with companion and former TV journalist Carolyn Hughes, which probably explains why Garciaparra’s wife, Mia Hamm, didn’t leave her husband’s side.

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I TOOK a look, but construction hasn’t begun on the “Think Red” hillside sign, although the Dodgers now have a Boston Parking Lot Attendant as owner, the Massachusetts governor’s son as director of marketing, and a former Red Sox manager, third baseman, first baseman and starting pitcher.

(They also have a two-time drunk driver from Atlanta at short, but given the earlier reports that the Red Sox used to take a nip before each game leading up to the World Series, we know he would’ve fit right in with Boston.)

The great thing about additions like Bill Mueller and Garciaparra is that three or four years ago they were really something -- kind of like the Senior tour in golf, giving Dodger fans names they might now recognize. The Kings tried the same thing with Jeremy Roenick and Luc Robitaille, and you can see how well that’s turned out.

When I suggested to Garciaparra it appears he’s on the downward side of his career, he disagreed, saying he wouldn’t have been in demand if that was true.

“No one wanted you to play shortstop,” I said, “which would indicate you’ve lost something,” and once again he disagreed, saying several teams wanted him to play shortstop.

“Name them,” I said, and he declined.

Garciaparra then told the media that when he walked through the Dodger clubhouse looking at the names above each locker, he concluded this team can win the World Series. I guess they’ve already taken down Jason Phillips’ name plate.

I asked him to repeat that just to make sure he’s not some kind of practical joker, and he did -- like he really believed it -- so I asked him what would he know about winning a World Series?

He said he won a World Series, the one the Red Sox won three months after they traded him to the Cubs -- although the record shows Boston went 56-46 with Garciaparra, and 42-18 to finish the regular season after trading him.

In fact when the Red Sox traded Garciaparra, Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy wrote, “Thank the baseball god, he’s gone. We no longer have to watch Garciaparra pretend he cares about the fortunes of the Red Sox. ... He had to go. He was more miserable than any athlete I have ever seen.”

Jeff Kent and Garciaparra on the same team -- yeah, this is going to be fun.

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I THOUGHT it might be the $6 million and the chance to stay near his Manhattan Beach home that brought him here, but Garciaparra said the thing “that sent me over the top was childhood memories” of Dodger Stadium.

Garciaparra has one hit -- a home run -- in 11 lifetime at-bats in Dodger Stadium, but he couldn’t remember the details.

“So your childhood memories of Dodger Stadium sent you over the top,” I said, “but you can’t remember your only hit in Dodger Stadium -- a home run?”

(I have a feeling Kent is going to catch a break this season, as I’ll probably be spending most of my time trying to cut through Garciaparra’s baloney.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really looking forward to seeing who plays more: Garciaparra or J. D. Drew.

Drew didn’t play much last year, but he still had more at-bats than Garciaparra -- for the second year in a row -- which obviously doesn’t matter right now because Dodger fans think their team has gotten a lot better.

Suckers.

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THE U.S. Olympic team is not going to include Roenick.

The King forward, long on reputation but short on production, recently told The Times’ Pete Thomas, “It would be a travesty if I’m not” on the team, and they “better hope that I don’t get a job as a commentator on NBC ... or it’d be ‘Go Canada’ all the way.”

On the list of “Dumbest Quotes of 2005,” you’ve got to give Roenick credit for beating the deadline -- and taking first place.