2005: A Baseball Odyssey Through Joys of Summer

You could pay top dollar for a comprehensive preview of the 2005 baseball season, or you could read this:

Team to watch: New York Mets with additions Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran.

Team that used to be the Montreal Expos: Washington Nationals.

Team that used to be the Los Angeles Angels: California Angels.

Team that used to be California Angels: Anaheim Angels.

Team that used to be Anaheim Angels: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Team that can lose 100 games and still be 11 games better than last year: Arizona Diamondbacks.

Team that hasn’t won a World Series title since 2004: Boston Red Sox.

Team that hasn’t won World Series title since 1908: Chicago Cubs.

Team that hasn’t won a World Series: Texas Rangers.

Team that held most off-season news conferences in which players apologized: New York Yankees (Randy Johnson and Jason Giambi).

Team that should consider using video surveillance equipment to make sure certain players don’t leave early: Baltimore Orioles.

Team with revamped infield: Dodgers.

Player with revamped backside: Angel catcher Bengie Molina.

Team that added Millwood: Cleveland Indians.

Team that added petrified wood: Houston Astros (John Franco).

Team that starts the season with Delgado: Florida Marlins.

Team that starts the season with El-squat-o: Milwaukee Brewers.

Team that owes Major League Baseball a lot: Washington Nationals.

Player the Dodgers owe a lot: Darren Dreifort.

Former player who thinks he could inject 25 home runs into any lineup: Jose Canseco.

In other news ...

* Phil Mickelson wins his second straight PGA Tour event with victory at Pebble Beach.

This is the “Year of the Rooster” on the Chinese calendar and is shaping up to be the “Year of the Phil” on golf’s.

* UCLA basketball appears to be only one player away from competing again for the national championship ... Bill Walton.

* NHL chief legal officer Bill Daly says, “We’re kind of out of tricks.”

No, Bill, what you’re out of is “hat tricks.”

* Kobe Bryant returned to Lakers after missing 14 games with an ankle injury and, based on Sunday’s performance against Cleveland, he should have missed a few more.

* He’s 41, coming off knee surgery, can’t jump anymore and hasn’t played competitively in months.

Gee, I sure hope Karl Malone didn’t rush into his decision to retire.

What we should remember most was Malone’s work ethic, his 15-foot jump shot, his knee-jerk remark about AIDS and his elbows.

Malone said Sunday, “If I’m fortunate to go into the Hall of Fame, I will go as a Jazz man.”

No worries there. Malone’s bust will hang in the Louis Armstrong wing.

* College football is considering wider use of instant replay next season, and Oklahoma is all for it provided the Sooners can replay the Orange Bowl.

* Curt Schilling has donated the bloody sock he wore during Game 2 of the World Series to the Hall of Fame, but Cooperstown has absolutely no interest in a bandage Adam Kennedy used for a blister on his finger.

* Jose Canseco’s claim that he suspected Roger Clemens took steroids has been rebutted by Clemens’ agent.

“Roger takes vitamin B-12,” Randy Hendricks said.

Clemens also admits taking another pill to improve strikeout-to-walk ratio: vitamin K-12.

* Kudos to TNT’s Cheryl Miller for breaking the news brother Reggie is going to retire from the Indiana Pacers at the end of the season.

In other family scoops, Don Shula says son Mike had better win big next year at Alabama or he’s out; Tiki Barber reports brother Ronde wants a contract extension; Ozzie Canseco says Jose once taught the neighborhood kids how to take doses of Flintstone Vitamins.

* To counter the negative press it has received during the steroid scandal, Major League Baseball is finishing up a promotional campaign starring David Eckstein: “Chicks dig the eight-hop single to center.”

* Who said it? “No, I wasn’t sick, and no, I didn’t throw up.”

A. Mark McGwire after reading excerpts of Canseco’s book.

B. Matt Leinart after hearing Norm Chow was leaving USC to coach in the NFL.

C. Donovan McNabb denying reports that he was ill during last week’s Super Bowl.

Answer: C.

* Former Washington coach Rick Neuheisel testified last week in his wrongful-termination trial he was not entirely truthful in dealings with former athletic director Barbara Hedges.

The judge then dismissed the jurors for the weekend and told them not to discuss the case or watch the movie “Pinocchio.”

* The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that Ryan Leaf has returned to Washington State to complete his degree and is taking a course in broadcast management.

Apparently, “Jerk-a-lism 101” was full.

* You can’t make this up II: The Oregon football team, searching for an assistant coach on defense, took out a “help wanted” ad in the (Eugene) Register-Guard.

It’s the law in Oregon that public schools post job openings and we think all organizations could benefit from this:

Lakers: Premier NBA franchise seeks motivated coach to take over team in 2005-06. Coach must work well with headstrong players, one in particular. Circus background is preferred. Dating owner’s daughter is possible, but not required.