Here’s More Proof That McCourt Is Out to Lunch

Gordon Gelfond, some kind of Beverly Hills advertising honcho, had never met Dodger owner Frank McCourt, but when he heard McCourt would be speaking to the Beverly Hills Rotary Club on Monday, he invited me to join him as his guest and quiz the Boston Parking Lot Attendant.

And you think I have a twisted sense of humor.

I arrived at the Beverly Hills Hotel early, figuring I’d bump into McCourt because it was his chance for a free steak lunch, but he wasn’t there and they began the meeting without him. No one seemed to be complaining.

He missed the Pledge of Allegiance too, but then I notice he’s never in his Dodger Stadium seats for the national anthem, so I imagine he has more important things to do with his time.

The president of the Rotary club then began asking folks to stand, chastising them for having a birthday or getting their name in the paper and then announced that each of them would be fined, which of course explained why McCourt opted to show up late.

When it did come time for McCourt to speak -- right away he tried to pick a fight with me.

“Nice to see you, grandpa,” he said, when he knows very well, it’s “G.P.”

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McCOURT WARNED everyone he was going to tell a joke, which was unnecessary as far as I was concerned, because I usually laugh at everything he has to say.

McCourt said there would be a theme to his remarks: “Seeing the world differently.”

I thought “Amen to that,” and was proud of that I didn’t say it out loud and wake up Gelfond.

McCourt went on to talk about his “vision for the Dodgers,” stressing the importance of “investing heavily in Dodger Stadium,” and “redoubling efforts in the community.”

Fortunately they were pouring coffee.

McCourt then went through the “four Ps: people, plan, patience and purpose.” The guy running the Dodgers and in charge of a team nine games below .500 explaining to a room full of Beverly Hills businessmen the secret for success.

He threw in a good word for his wife -- and for the record I didn’t object, cough or laugh out loud -- said the people who are running the Dodgers are great, and said, “our biggest challenge is communications.” I claim it’s getting the Dodgers to .500 again.

At this point in his sermon, he had said nothing about putting a championship team on the field or spending the $100 million he promised on players.

He did talk about the color of the seats in Dodger Stadium -- and the vexing problem of what color to make them -- while indicating he was leaning toward pastels. The Dodgers continue to play like they have this season, and you’ll be seeing a lot of those colors.

When someone asked about his plans for the land around Dodger Stadium, he advised me to pick up my pen, and then said nothing of substance. I chalked it up as preseason training for one of Karl Dullard’s news conferences.

There was a question from the audience about the quality of hot dogs in Dodger Stadium, and when I realized they weren’t referring to the players, I made a point of raising my hand.

I reminded McCourt of his comment: “The biggest challenge now is communications.” But shouldn’t the biggest challenge be the level of talent on the playing field?

McCourt said he was proud of his players. “Nobody has quit at any point in time,” which suggests these guys really are terrible, given they are nine games under .500 while trying as hard as they can.

When he finished his remarks, McCourt told the audience that he wished I was nicer, and everyone laughed, including Gelfond, who is a UCLA fan and was probably thinking the same thing. I certainly wish them both good luck.

As we walked out of the hotel, McCourt said he believes the Dodgers began this season with a good team, and since most of those players will return, the team will be good once again next year.

I eliminated this year’s team from playoff contention on opening day because I didn’t think it was any good, and “seeing the world differently,” certainly wouldn’t call it good news that many of these stiffs are going to return.

Dodger fans, of course, probably remain hopeful -- especially with the looming trading deadline. But McCourt told the Rotarians the Dodgers will not react to the fact that other teams are not playing well, which indicates the Padres’ nose dive won’t spur the Dodgers into doing something special to steal the division title.

He said that the Dodgers would “tinker” come the trading deadline, but that the Dodgers have some “nice options” at the minor league levels, and “we’re going to nurture our guys back to health.”

That suggests no major deals, no significant expenditures -- what a surprise -- and business as usual in the worst division in baseball. Good news, though. Down the road you can look forward to those pastel seats.

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THE ANGELS, Lakers and UCLA each sent gifts for the new grandchild, following the lead of the Dodgers’ Jamie McCourt and the Clippers, which presents a problem. The kid already is dealing with an identity crisis: Would you want to be known as the Grocery Store Bagger’s little baggie?

So rather than dress the kid in a Bruin outfit and face ridicule, or grow up a Dodger fan, the best thing to do is donate the whole lot to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from David Balsam:

“You seem to imply that Kevin Brown was not cooperative with you or the media. Kevin is not and has never been employed by the Times. Why does he owe you any special treatment? He doesn’t owe you any more face time than he owes me the fan. Players participating with the media is purely voluntary. There are many grumpy people in the world. Why don’t you write about them?”

Tell me more about yourself, David.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.