A Stern approach to the gender gap

TELLSO you’ve met someone new. Outstanding! You’ve had a few dates and, so far, no emotional scars.

There’s nothing like a new love in your life, gentlemen, but until you pop “The Question” you really don’t know anything about your alleged soul mate. No, not the marriage question. Don’t be silly. That comes way later -- after months of pretending you like Coldplay.

No, the question hanging over your relationship is:

“So, um, what do you think of Howard Stern?”

That’s correct. Forget the whole blue state/red state thing. I refer to the one man who personifies this nation’s cultural divide -- across which no two people can ever hope to have a successful relationship. I mean, what other person has the ability to bust up a blossoming romance simply by having his name mentioned in casual conversation?

OK, Danny Bonaduce, but name one more.

Believe it or not, I know many women who like Stern despite his penchant for treating certain young ladies on his show less like people and more like cuts of beef. It’s an act perfected over the years, designed to provide both laughs and shock value.

Still, give your girlfriend big points for either liking Stern or at least accepting the fact that you do. Actually, it’s just one of the ways you can judge how much of your “guy stuff” she will tolerate. Face it -- we ask women to put up with a lot of our ... nonsense.

Take, for instance, watching sports. I discovered recently that some women don’t find baseball’s subtle nuances the least bit interesting. If you think it’s tough turning her on to Howard Stern, try getting her to watch a World Series involving the Astros and White Sox. Very few people, male or female, could sit through that fall “classic” -- including, oddly enough, members of the Astros and White Sox.

Tip: If your girlfriend lasted even one inning of the 2005 Series, profess your undying love immediately. Before spring training starts.

Then there is poker.

Men like to gather for hours at a time, pushing plastic chips around a green felt table filled with cigars, pretzels and spittle. Personally, I don’t play cards due to the fact that I always forget whether a full house beats a flush. (It does.)

If your girlfriend lets you while away one night a week gambling, she deserves a lot of credit. Make sure you take her out to Sunday brunch with your “winnings.”

And golf? Eighteen holes, five hours and a lot of swearing. No one knows why men play so much golf -- especially when they’re not good at it anyway. Golf addiction has driven more than a few women to pack their bags over the years, although Mrs. Tiger Woods seems fairly content at the moment. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, gets little in return (unless she’s actually happy to have you absent for six hours), as you’re unlikely to win the 2006 Masters. Or any other one. Keep this in mind while taking half the day to line up your approach shot on 17.

But the deal breaker among “guy things” might be patronizing certain types of nightclubs, the kind generally in close proximity to LAX. It’s the ultimate “guy’s night out.” Of course, due to my heightened maturity and sensitivity, I gave this sort of thing up days ago.

Very few women will stand for you carrying on in such a silly manner. And on the off chance she does, she’s probably dating someone else anyway.

Which brings us back to Howard Stern. Perhaps his purpose is to let men live vicariously though his raunchy radio show rather than actively pursue the real thing. Honestly gals, whom would you rather have shooting the breeze with strippers: Stern or your husband?

A complex dilemma, I know. Then again, you could always listen to JACK-FM.

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Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.