Maybe Wells Should Write Another Book

Someday, David Wells promises, he’s really going to say what he thinks. If we’re real lucky, maybe he’ll even write a book.

Oh, that’s right, he’s already done that. If memory serves, there was something in it about pitching a perfect game at Yankee Stadium while still half drunk from a “Saturday Night Live” cast party the night before.

OK, so that didn’t work out too well for Boomer, who drew both the wrath of his teammates and a $100,000 fine from the Yankees for some of his musings. But who needs a book anyway when you can be equally as entertaining just by opening your mouth?

Certainly not Wells, who showed again Monday night in Boston that his mouth is still as outsized as the rest of his body. Upset over baseball upholding his six-game suspension for pushing an umpire, he took out his anger on one of his favorite whipping boys, commissioner Bud Selig.

If you listen to Wells, the commissioner has a personal vendetta against him, has done nothing about steroids and covered up Rafael Palmeiro’s positive test so the Hall of Fame inductions would not be ruined.

Wells said he’ll have lots more to say at the right time.

“I’m really holding back because I’ve got a lot of negative things to say,” Wells said. “I can’t wait to win the World Series and have Bud Selig come up there [with the trophy]. I really can’t. Who knows what will come out then.”

The real question isn’t what will come out then, but what will come out of Boomer’s mouth next. Even Wells seems to have no clue.

Take a look at the entry he posted a few weeks ago on his official web site:

“I hear that there is about 58 more guys that have tested positive and if that’s true, this game is screwed! Congress will have a field day with it, but I don’t have to worry about that I’m fat remember? So, I am looking good! Holla!”

Can anyone say self centered?

It’s no wonder why, in an era when general managers will give up their first born for left-handers who throw 90 mph and have a nasty curveball, Wells has switched teams an average of every other year in his career.

He wears out his welcome with astonishing regularity both in the dugout and with management. The Yankees even got rid of him after his perfect game and 18-4 season in 1998 because he was such a disruptive influence in the clubhouse.

When he’s not winning, his act grows stale even for the fans who will always root for a fat guy to do well.

The Red Sox knew all that when they took a chance and signed Wells to a two-year contract heavily laden with incentives. But the team was losing Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe and was desperate for pitching, even if it had to come from a 42-year-old narcissist who can barely fit in his uniform.

Besides, on a team full of self-styled “idiots,” they probably figured one of baseball’s biggest idiots might finally fit in.

Instead, Wells looked more idiotic than ever when going after Selig for upholding the initial suspension from the July 2 game against Toronto. Even worse, he accused baseball’s head disciplinarian, Bob Watson, of “turning against the players” by imposing the suspension.

Wells may be in his 19th big league season, but apparently he hasn’t figured out yet that you don’t win arguments with umpires, and you don’t win friends by blasting respected former players who just happen to be in a position of authority.

Selig is used to being bashed about, but he isn’t taking this lightly. Wells was summoned to baseball’s headquarters in New York on Wednesday, where he will presumably be told to keep his mouth shut or risk even more punishment.

The thing is, Wells’ suspension wasn’t really more than a slap on the wrist. All it did was move his next start from Friday to Sunday, a move that might have strengthened the rotation for the pennant stretch because it puts Wells in line to pitch against the rival Yankees twice in September.

So what’s the real reason Wells was so upset? Maybe it comes down to cool hard cash, in the form of a contract that calls for Wells to get $300,000 in bonus money every time he takes the mound after making 20 starts.

He’s already made 24, so you do the math.

Those incentives were put in the contract not just because Wells is flabby and 42, but because the pitcher has a habit of inserting himself into precarious situations. This is a guy who gets in fights, has strange household accidents and tends to get highly irate when asked to turn down his beloved heavy metal music.

The Red Sox moved quickly to distance themselves from Wells, issuing a statement praising Selig for everything but world peace. Still, they didn’t go too far because they need the big left-hander to pitch well in the final weeks of the season to hold off the onrushing Yankees.

If they can, it’s on to the playoffs and maybe even the World Series.

By then, maybe Wells will have figured out something really interesting to say.