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If Bonds Truly Does {heart} L.A., Would L.A.{heart} Him Back?

Now that the scrubs have officially folded, I come to you today with an idea inspired by Vin Scully designed to give you a reason to watch the Dodgers next season.

Remember the story a few weeks back about Barry Bonds and his reported interest in playing for the Angels next year? The Angels weren’t interested because they believe in teamwork and having only one guy in their lineup who can hit home runs.

The thing is, Bonds makes his home in Beverly Hills, and the other day when he was at Dodger Stadium, I was there when he ran into Derek Lowe and told Lowe, “Isn’t it great being here in L.A.?” (Where you can do interviews and pick up chicks at the same time?)

OK, so I couldn’t hear the whole conversation and I’m just guessing how it went, but it got me to thinking about Bonds, his love for L.A., the Giants’ owner saying the only way Bonds won’t be in a Giant uniform is if he asks to be traded, and then I heard Scully say after Bonds’ homer Sunday, “He did what they came here to see.”

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Imagine going to Dodger Stadium again with the expectation of seeing something great -- so then why not figure out a way to have Bonds play for the Dodgers next season?

I went to Jeff Kent to see what he thought, but I can’t be really specific about the obscenity he used, because it was more like three or four of them wrapped together in one blubbery retort.

”!@#$%{circ}&,” Kent said. “Haven’t you heard -- Barry and I don’t talk.”

I would think that’s a good thing -- we saw what happened when Kent stopped to chat with Milton Bradley. I reminded Kent he’s always bugging me to be more positive about the Dodgers, and here I was trying to help.

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-- If Bonds is in a Dodger uniform, why would I want to talk to Kent anymore, which should make Kent’s day?

-- If you put Bonds in a Dodger uniform, finally here’s one guy who wouldn’t need his name on the back of his jersey.

-- If the Parking Lot Attendant sold one of his homes in Beverly Hills, he could afford Bonds’ contract and we’d never call him cheap again. Since Bonds already lives here, he wouldn’t have to pay for his moving expenses.

-- If Bonds needs steroids, I think I know a couple of Dodgers who could help. (Just guessing, of course.)

-- If Bonds plays left, I guess that means Jayson Werth is on the bench. I’m not complaining.

-- If the fans begin chanting “Barry [is no good]” they’ll be warmed up for when Hee-Seop Choi comes up.

-- If the fans continue to chant, how great would that be to hear the hometown fans rooting against him while he goes after Ruth & Aaron?

-- If he comes to L.A. -- and Bonds has already said Dodger Stadium inspires him: “You gotta have some serious talent to have 53,000 people saying you [are no good]” -- he might hit 800 homers.

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-- If Bonds plays here, fans might buy tickets to games in Dodger Stadium and actually use them.

-- If Bonds is so good, let’s see him set the record with Kent waiting in the on-deck circle and yelling at him to swing and miss.

-- If Bonds is going to pass Ruth & Aaron, who better to provide the play-by-play than Scully. Or Charley Steiner?

-- If he comes to the Dodgers, unlike the Giants who hired an intern to keep the media away from Bonds, the Dodgers already have crisis managers on the job with the experience of keeping people away from the Screaming Meanie.

-- If “Barry came here, he’d have to have four lockers,” Kent said, and I don’t see that as a problem if it means Odalis Perez, Jason Phillips, Jason Grabowski and Werth have to give up theirs. Throw in J.D. Drew’s, too, he’ll be hurt anyway.

-- “If Bonds came here I’d be fine with it as long as we won,” said Kent.

Well then, I guess you can forget it.

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ON OCCASION someone will e-mail asking that I be nicer, so I suggested that UCLA Coach Karl Dorrell would be the ideal tutor for Oklahoma Coach Bob Stupid. Mighty neighborly of me, I thought.

I figured after being spanked by both UCLA and USC, and now not even getting a mention in AP’s top 40, Sooner fans would welcome the help.

“You just destroyed any good will [in Oklahoma],” wrote Nathan Smith, which means we might have to cancel the family vacation to Oklahoma this year.

“I’d like to see you say that to his face,” wrote Ronnie Brown, and most folks here know I’d love to oblige, but I’m busy covering a pair of top-25 teams.

“You are an embarrassment to any sports team in California,” wrote Blake Fite, and I guess he’s never seen the Dodgers play.

And so it went Sunday and Monday -- as if these people had nothing else to do in Oklahoma.

“You have the class of a cow patty,” wrote Jon Spangler. “Prove me wrong ... and apologize. But I reckon I shouldn’t wait for the phone to ring.”

I don’t reckon I’ve ever called anyone living out there in the middle of nowhere. “Can you hear me? ... Can you hear me now?” Shucks, I might have to wait, and just wave from the Rose Bowl during the national championship game.

I’ll be the guy wearing the USC aloha shirt.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Eric Scott:

“I saw an L.A. Kings’ billboard and suddenly became excited about the prospects of a new hockey season. What’s wrong with me?”

I’d be more concerned if you saw an L.A. Lakers’ billboard and suddenly became excited.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.


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