Military wives’ secret society

OCCASIONALLY, you see them in shopping malls near Camp Pendleton: women, often quite young, sometimes quite pregnant, wearing T-shirts that say: “Marine Wife, The Toughest Job in the Corps.”

With the U.S. war in Iraq now in its fourth year, that job is only getting tougher. The same can be said of being the spouse of someone in the Army, Navy or National Guard. Back-to-back deployments, increasing casualties and declining public support for the U.S. policy are taking an emotional toll, with no end in sight.

The news media tell the story of military families only in fits and starts. That’s because the military, understandably, guards the privacy of its families; many military families are suspicious of the press; and most reporters have no military experience to draw on.

Now comes journalist and military wife Kristin Henderson, whose new book, “While They’re at War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront,” offers an intimate, sympathetic and detailed look at a life that is largely unknown to most Americans since the country ended the draft three decades ago and has largely outsourced the burden of serving and sacrificing during wartime to the upwardly mobile working class. Some volunteer because they have few economic options, some because of patriotism, some for mixed motives.

Henderson, whose book started as a feature in the Washington Post magazine, is married to a Navy chaplain who has deployed with the Marines to Afghanistan and Iraq. “Particularly for those of us who have waited for our loved ones to return from a combat zone,” she writes, “it’s like joining a secret society -- when you encounter another member of that society, not much needs to be said.”

Henderson has used her access to that secret society to excellent journalistic advantage, exploring the lives of wives (and a few husbands) left behind by Army and National Guard deployments. She understands the emotional roller coaster, the doubts, the longings, the marital stresses, the fear of living every day waiting for a knock on the door.

Describing the anxiety of an Army wife attending her first pre-deployment briefing for families, Henderson writes, “Beth didn’t know anybody in the room, not a soul. She wasn’t sure she wanted to. None of the other wives looked to her like they were hurting as much as she was, none of them looked the way she felt, like she was about to come apart at the seams.”

Once the troops were in Iraq, one wife says she noticed her Army medic husband changing with each phone call: “[H]e had begun to sound more militarized, as if he was constructing a cold, hard, protective shell around himself.”

Henderson stresses that the military has made progress in dealing with families since the draft-era days when the mantra was, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.” There are organized support groups and 24-hour help lines. Commanding officers are instructed by generals to be ready to meet the needs of families.

Still, there are gaps, particularly for families living off-base. Widows, still reeling from the tragic news, are often overwhelmed with details, which Henderson calls “a rabbit hole of benefits changes, paperwork deadlines, legal issues, insurance payoffs, and financial decisions.”

Casualty assistance officers are assigned to help the widows. Some are well-trained, others not. Sometimes they are sent to Iraq or Afghanistan, leaving the widow feeling bereft. One widow desperately wanted her children to visit their father’s workplace on base.

“The commanding officer said absolutely not. Perhaps he was trying to protect his soldiers from what would undoubtedly be an emotionally wrenching visit,” Henderson writes.

One common marital strain comes from the fact that the spouse in the military loves the esprit and sense of accomplishment in the job. Wives often feel they are carrying the home-front burden alone while their husbands are living out a male fantasy of guns and uniforms; the husbands often feel their wives are ungrateful for the paycheck and benefits.

And as deployments stretch, the emotional gap can grow, and the stateside spouse starts to feel trapped: “It’s a short step from helplessness to hopelessness. Once it’s taken, some self-medicate with alcohol; many require antidepressants to keep the overwhelming feelings at bay. Among those who are left behind, suicide isn’t common, but it’s not unheard of either.”

Hopefully, there will be other books and studies about military families, maybe when long-term statistics about divorce, alcoholism, child abuse and infidelity are compiled. Someday, there might be a book describing how each branch of the military -- each with its own distinct culture -- weathered the home-front challenges differently.

“While They’re at War” does not deal much with the Marine Corps, a surprising omission given the fact that Henderson’s husband is a Navy chaplain.

Still, for civilians who live outside the base gates, Henderson has done a service. She’s not preachy, but she has a message: Have some sympathy for that young wife in the shopping mall, and watch what you say.

As a military wife, Henderson’s is the voice of experience: “Every single moment you’re awake, that primal voice is whispering at the back of your mind, danger, danger, danger.... [I]f the TV and people around you start echoing that primal voice, it can escalate into an overwhelming shout.”