Home Isn’t That Sweet to This Analyst

Tony Kornheiser’s debut as a “Monday Night Football” analyst received no home-field advantage. Kornheiser was leveled in his own newspaper, the Washington Post. Some excerpts from the review written by the Post’s Paul Farhi:

* Kornheiser “wasn’t many of the things ESPN hired him for. He wasn’t especially witty, provocative or insightful.”

* “It wasn’t exactly clear why he was there at all.”

* “Kornheiser is the first to admit he’s no matinee idol, but he looked oddly washed out under the TV lights.... Some unsolicited advice: Tony, get a tan.”

And, the unkindest cut of all: “It was enough to make one yearn for Dennis Miller, the comedian whose star-crossed tenure as ‘Monday Night Football’ analyst in 2000-01 was at least marked by a certain danger, a whiff of the unexpected, or the just plain loony.”

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Timeout: A quick comment on that last comment: Yearning, most certainly, is in the ears of the beholder.

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Trivia time: In Miller’s second “Monday Night Football” telecast in August 2000, whom did he describe as “an emotional man who seemed to cry more frequently than Sylvia Plath being pepper-sprayed”?

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In midseason form: If everyone agrees that NFL exhibition games are meaningless, a) why has Kornheiser’s new gig generated such commotion and b) why was Oakland’s Randy Moss spiking his helmet in anger at being pulled after one quarter?

Answers:

1. The NFL’s hypnotic hold over this country is frightening, even scaring off Martians from landing here. Need proof? Seen any Martians lately?

2. Moss knows nationally televised exposure when he sees it.

3. Moss was trying to show his new quarterback, Aaron Brooks, how to throw downfield. Brooks was one for six for 16 yards.

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Yankee go home: Speaking before a group of fellow Northwestern alumni Tuesday morning at the Los Angeles Athletic Club, besieged Florida Marlins Manager Joe Girardi recalled how much he had enjoyed his experience as a player and a bench coach for the New York Yankees.

Girardi, whose recent squabble with Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria received national attention, spoke with such reverence about his Yankees days that someone in the audience said he envisioned Girardi back in New York someday.

“The way things are going,” Girardi said, “it might be sooner than you think.”

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It’s all relative: Girardi, a catcher for four teams during his 15-year major league career, said his most memorable visit to the mound was a discussion with Don Baylor, then manager of the Colorado Rockies, about a bases-loaded situation.

Baylor glanced at Girardi and said, “I’m tired of looking at this three-time academic All-American. If you’re so smart, why don’t you get us out of this jam?”

Girardi could not. Then again, Einstein was lousy at hitting behind the runner.

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Trivia answer: Dick Vermeil.

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And finally: Girardi also spent seven seasons with the Chicago Cubs. He was asked if the alleged curse haunting the team would ever end. “There are no curses,” Girardi replied. “Some things just don’t happen.”