Happy meals? Not for everyone

FAST-FOOD industry, stand in the corner. When it comes to kids’ meals, you’ve been very naughty.

Once upon a time, it seemed OK to push fatty burgers, nuggets and fries onto little kids, but that’s so yesterday. You’re older now and ought to know better. Some of you claim to have healthful options, but it doesn’t count if all you’ve done is replace the fatty fries with something super-sugary. Do apple slices really need to be dipped in caramel sauce? Instead of toys, those meals should come with insulin.

Recently, soda makers were pressured to stop selling in schools because kids are starting to look like beach balls. Yet you’re dragging your feet when it comes to overhauling your kiddie meals.

You say parents need to be responsible for what their children consume, and you’re right, but that doesn’t let you off the hook. Which one of you is going to come up with a line of nutrient-rich, low-calorie, vegetable-friendly meals that are quick to prepare yet fun for kids to eat? Who’s up for the challenge?

Look, we’re not allowed to spank, but some of you need a timeout:

McDonald’s: Can’t you have at least one healthy food character in McDonaldland? Picture this: a Bigfoot creature made out of gourds promoting a hot vegetable medley. You can call him Sash-squash! (Just brainstorming. It’s yours for free.)

Burger King: SpongeBob sells little packets of baby carrots in the grocery store. How hard would it be to get those SpongeBob baby carrots into the SpongeBob meals you feature from time to time? They’d be better than that nasty applesauce you offer as a fry alternative.

KFC: You have the Laptop Meal: a lunch in a laptop-shaped box. Perfect if the kid’s an accountant. You get kudos for offering corn and slaw as side dish options. The problem? Your laptops have Cheetos inside. Granted, the Cheetos are the less fatty baked variety, but they still provide nothing of substance. Instead of fried chicken and Baked Cheetos, how about baked chicken and no Cheetos?

Wendy’s: You just added two deli sandwiches that offer something rarely seen on a kids’ menu: It’s called lettuce. Congrats. Your mandarin orange slices make a decent alternative to fries, and having chocolate milk instead of soda is good too, but when you add in the Jr. Frosty dessert, this meal’s sugar content jumps to 68 grams. (A grown-up’s classic double burger with cheese, medium fries and a Coke has only 46.)

Subway: Your Kids’ Pak starts with a great main dish -- a small deli sandwich that parents can “veg up” as much as they want, and you get bonus points for recently replacing the side dish from a fruit roll-up to a choice of raisins or sliced apples, but you’ve got a more pressing problem: Your toys stink.