Dodgers don’t miss chance to pour it on

LET ME explain why I was trying to wrap my arms around Frank’s Old Lady with the intention of holding her tightly.

She was going to be my protector, the champagne and Bud Light being thrown all around the clubhouse Saturday after the Dodgers advanced to the playoffs, but I figured no one would mess with the prim and proper wife of the Dodgers owner.

“I’ll protect you,” she said.

“You’re my hero,” I replied, before realizing how tough it is to hide behind a Size Zero.

Julio Lugo suddenly stepped from the celebrating crowd, raised a bottle of beer and took aim at the head of Frank’s Old Lady. I guess it’s true this guy really does want out of town.

But Frank’s Old Lady was quick, shoving Lugo’s arm away, and so he missed, but then what’s one more error for Lugo? That gave me the chance, though, to slip into Grady Little’s office to talk about the significance of today’s game.

And I’d be happy to report to you what Little had to say, if only I could read the notes in my notebook. But they are soaked in beer.

Derek Lowe came into Little’s office and poured a bottle of beer over my head. I guess the McCourts didn’t buy enough champagne.

It was only half a bottle of beer, though, because you know how thirsty a guy can get sitting on the bench, so when I left to find my personal shield again, I did so while still being relatively unscathed.

That’s when I noticed Jeff Kent and Jeff Kent noticed me, and while he had a bottle of champagne in his hand, I could tell by the deranged look on his face he wasn’t going to offer me a drink.

Kent began yelling like some kind of maniac. And while he was just being himself, it attracted a group of players, who reacted like a mob -- missing only the rope and the big tree.

Each of these players were armed with something to drink, and while I’m pretty sure I could’ve come up with a snappy wisecrack about that, I was too busy trying to get away.

Now I can report from experience, though, that the Dodgers have really improved this year, because they caught me. They poured everything they had over my head, someone pulling back my shirt, someone else pulling back my pants, and I’d like to know why anyone thinks it’s a good idea to put champagne and beer on ice before using them to shower everyone.

Drenched, I went shivering directly to Frank’s Old Lady, who did everything she could to avoid me, and while I recall getting that same reaction a lot while dating decades ago, I put my arms out to hug her so she might soak up some of the excitement that I was feeling.

YEAH, I’M really happy for the Dodgers. I’d be thrilled, though, if I weren’t sitting in wet pants in a wide-open press box in chilly San Francisco, smelling like a winery and pouring beer out of my sneakers.

And the darn thing is, I knew this was coming, and should’ve come prepared with a dry pair of underwear.

Any team that can get seven RBIs in a game from Cody Ross in April, three wins from Aaron Sele in May, seven home runs in Matt Kemp’s first 18 days in the big leagues in June, survive a 9-17 July, get Marlon Anderson in exchange for Jhonny Nunez in August and have James Loney’s name mentioned in the same sentence as Gil Hodges in September, is going to find a way to win down the stretch.

This team began the season with high hopes and Danys Baez, Lance Carter, Odalis Perez, Yhency Brazoban, Eric Gagne, Bill Mueller, Dioner Navarro, Jae Seo, Cesar Izturis, Jose Cruz and Sandy Alomar prepared to give it their all.

The Dodgers, looking as if they can do no wrong right now, began the season sending Takashi Saito and Russell Martin to the minors. Sounds ridiculous now.

But down the stretch they came with Hong-Chih Kuo, and today, with the chance to win a division title, why not Eric Stults in October?

THE DODGERS have already put out a press release calling for Rally Monday at CityWalk at Universal Studios Hollywood to celebrate the “Dodgers’ NL West Championship.” That’s how much confidence they have in Stults.

THE DODGERS celebrated in San Francisco, giving Kent the chance to let the Giants and their fans know what they lost when he left here a few years ago to play for Houston and then L.A.

“I would never do anything to be disrespectful to these people or this organization,” said Kent, who fell one victory shy in Anaheim in 2002 of bringing a World Series title to San Francisco. “When I hear all the fans booing me here, I know it’s an appreciation for me.

“I looked at the schedule before the season began and started getting myself mentally prepared for this, knowing it’d probably come down to this series with a chance to win it all. That’s why I came in here emotionally stable; I’ve been thinking about it since spring training.”

Kent is signed to play one more year in L.A., and intends to do so although he admits he has been thinking about retirement. And if this season should end with the Dodgers winning the World Series, that might be it for Kent.

“You play for pride and money when you begin your career, stability and money during the middle part of it, but near the end you play for what completes you,” he said. “Calling yourself a champion means a lot to me. The money, fame, security -- they are all bonuses. Being a champion is what is important.”

And that’s why at age 40 or 50, or however old he is now, he was running around the Dodgers clubhouse, champagne bottle in hand, hugging everyone.

It’d be a real kick, all right, to watch him carry on if the Dodgers go on to win the World Series -- maybe from a nice seat in the press box, or on TV, or possibly in person, but only while wearing a full-length raincoat.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers

@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.