No matter what, Kent always takes it slow

YOU GET as old, beaten up and tired as Jeff Kent, and running from second base to home must feel at times as if it’s going to take all day.

I understand now why Kent has such an appreciation for motorcycles and their ability to get you from here to there.

Too bad they wouldn’t let him hop on a dirt bike Wednesday evening in Shea Stadium, because when he yelled to J.D. Drew, “Let’s go, let’s go,” Drew took off from first on a ball hit off the right-field wall and almost lapped Kent.

“Are you that slow?” I asked Kent, and noticing the No. 20 on the orange hat I was wearing, he said something about trying to go as fast as “Jimmy Stewart,” and while he meant Tony Stewart, Kent wasn’t running much faster than Jimmy Stewart is these days.

BY NOW you’ve probably heard the Dodgers ran themselves out of the first game of the playoffs, although I think Dodgers third base coach Rich Donnelly probably took it to an extreme when he said, “A third base coach’s job is like a traffic controller. No one says anything about what they’re doing unless there’s a wreck out there. And there was a wreck out there.”

It was the second inning, Drew on first, the slow poke on second and Russell Martin hit a ball that Donnelly and Drew could see was not going to be caught by Shawn Green. You’ve seen Green play right field, and you knew Green wasn’t going to catch the ball, but Kent apparently needs a little more time to think, as well as run.

Green took the ball off the wall and got it to the Mets’ cut-off man, which would come as distressing news to Kent and Drew later.

With Kent and Drew on the run, Donnelly could see that Kent wasn’t going to make it home -- what with all those doughnuts he was packing. But just as Donnelly was about to throw his arms up to stop Kent, he noticed Drew in pursuit, and realized it wasn’t going to work in the Dodgers’ favor having two runners on third base.

“I figured Jeff would be out at home, but we’d have a runner on third,” said Donnelly, who waved Kent home. “I never gave a signal to J.D., turning to home to watch Jeff and it was like vroom -- I only heard J.D. going by. I almost told [home plate umpire John] Hirschbeck, here comes another.”

When Kent arrived, he was such a goner he tried some kind of ballerina move to evade former Dodgers catcher Paul Lo Duca. Kent and ballerina in the same sentence -- just as awkward as his slide appeared.

“Why not plow over Lo Duca?” I wondered.

“I would’ve if I knew J.D. was right behind me,” Kent said. “I wish he had yelled at me that he was about to eat my lunch, then I would’ve run into Lo Duca and bear-hugged him to let my man score behind me.”

When Drew rounded third, he slowed down, stunned to see Kent getting tagged out. “If I would’ve kept running,” he said, “I might’ve been safe.”

It “would’ve” been different, all right, for the Dodgers, which became the theme of the evening. In fact that’s what I was thinking when I reflected on the chat between Jonathan Broxton and Derek Lowe before the game.

Both players were trying to kill time in the dugout when the stadium music came on, Lowe asking Broxton, “You want to slow dance?” and if only Broxton had taken him up on it. They could’ve made it a night on the town, anything -- rather than allowing Lowe to hang around here and pitch.

It “would’ve” been different, of course, if it also wasn’t a playoff game, but this is the time of year when Manager Grady Little positions himself to be second-guessed. And now don’t most of you feel foolish for e-mailing the other day, angry that anyone would second-guess Little -- only to ignore the warning of what was to come?

Too late now, I guess, to mention something Forrest Gump might’ve told Little: “You got to dance with them what brung you.”

This is one dance Brad Penny probably should’ve sat out, and while I realize the alternative is Brett Tomko and not exactly “Dancing with the Stars,” that’s his role on the 25-man roster.

IT “WOULD’VE” been different too if Kenny Lofton had not gotten old overnight. The crowd came to its feet in the first, in the third and again in the fifth hoping Lofton would strike out, and he did not let them down. When he finally hit the ball, he flied out to right, but didn’t even bother running to first base. So much for giving it your all in a big game.

COLIN KINGSTON e-mailed to say he bought two $15 playoff tickets for Sunday’s game in Dodger Stadium, but also got hit with a $12 “facility charge,” an $8.50 “convenience” charge, and a $3.55 “order processing” fee.

“The various extra costs amounted to 80.16% of the cost of my tickets for a total of $54.05,” he wrote.

A Dodgers spokesperson said the fees cover a variety of costs, including postage, handling and the expense for possibly refunding tickets. If there’s no need to refund tickets, of course, someone other than fans makes out.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Brian Fodera:

“ESPN’S Bill Simmons integrated two of your recurring themes in a single entry in his diary on the game between the Mets and Dodgers. He wrote, ‘Now here’s a guy who just doesn’t give a (darn): J.D. Drew. He carries himself with the intensity of a grocery store bagger.’ Come to think of it, have you ever seen Drew and your son-in-law in the same place, at the same time?”

The way Drew is swinging the bat, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them both working soon in frozen foods.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous

columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.