Kornheiser Must Avoid Commitment to Banality

It’s “Monday Night Football” and Tony Kornheiser is telling us Minnesota now has a commitment to character and it’s spelled out in the team’s media guide.

We’re waiting for the punch line, or the vintage “Pardon the Interruption” aside, or maybe the clever line -- the kind that make his column a must read in the Washington Post.

There’s so many ways he can go. Why is the commitment to character in the media guide? Shouldn’t it be in the Vikings’ playbook?

What makes anyone think the Vikings can read?

Might that explain why Koren Robinson was arrested for drunk driving and Dwight Smith was cited for indecent conduct after the team made its commitment to character? Indecent conduct, now what can you do with that, Tony?

Talk about Kornheiser material, there’s also the Vikings’ “Love Boat,” and the recent news that offensive lineman Bryant McKinnie has been fined $41,176 for his role in the incident -- the same day he received close to $18 million in guaranteed money as part of a new $48.5-million contract.

Go get ‘em, Tony.

But instead of going where no one else has dared to go on Monday night, except maybe Howard Cosell, we get a public service announcement from the wise acre, and on top of that, a poor choice of words from the old pro.

Kornheiser tells us the Vikings led the league in scandals last season, and now “they are [benching] Dwight Smith,” he says. “That’s a pretty courageous thing because you follow up what you say you believe in.”

Now how much fun would Kornheiser have picking apart such ridiculous rhetoric on his afternoon TV show? The Vikings are getting credit for being courageous, like it takes courage doing what they said they were going to do? I know that’s pretty courageous of Kornheiser to say so on Sept. 11th.

*

IT’S ESPN, so MIKE TIRICO started the game gushing about what an honor and a privilege it is to televise football games. Then they kicked off, and before the ball could come down, he was gushing again, “Let the new era begin, off we go with ESPN’s Monday Night Football.”

It really does prove preseason games don’t count since everyone else thought the new era began about four weeks ago with Tirico, Kornheiser and Joe Theismann doing Monday night preseason games.

I know there’s something else called the “NFL Network,” but it’s hard to believe there’s a house organ out there doing a better job of promoting the NFL than ESPN these days.

But that’s what makes it the perfect forum for someone such as Kornheiser, who has made a career of bursting such self-important bubbles.

Kornheiser, though, has elected to remain measured, respectful and even subdued, while too often stating the obvious. Someone does that in the newspaper, and Kornheiser would have them for lunch.

Instead of making Theismann uncomfortable, he panders to him. It’s like Kornheiser wants to sound like any other football analyst.

More than that, Kornheiser appears lost without his PTI sidekick, Mike Wilbon. Wilbon knows how to set up Kornheiser, and more important laughs at his jokes, which seems to fuel Kornheiser.

In Theismann, Kornheiser gets silence when he talks football or an awkward attempt to set the record straight after one of Kornheiser’s cracks.

Kornheiser says, if the Vikings are paying a guard $49 million and “I’m a Vikings running back, I’m running behind that guard,” which prompts Theismann to name a few other offensive linemen who also do a good job.

Theismann mentions Clinton Portis, his sore shoulder, taking a hit, and says, “He’s going to find out where he is.”

Kornheiser replies, “If he doesn’t know where he is, we’re all in trouble, because he’s on the field.” And then he laughs, so someone will.

*

ESPN TRIES to help. Kornheiser has the chance to jot down a funny line for delivery in pre-game comments, but when he tried it a few weeks back, Tirico and Theismann needed to be reminded to laugh -- a little numb, I guess, from hearing the punch line in rehearsals.

ESPN has also given Kornheiser scripted opportunities to be funny, for example, showing animation of Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and his new movie buddy, Tom Cruise, on a roller coaster and Kornheiser naming rides based on Cruise’s movies. I know a Few Good Men who could have done better.

Tirico is terrific at play-by-play and Theismann is all football, but if Monday night is going to be something more than just another game, it falls on Kornheiser to make no apologies while interrupting every chance he gets.

*

THE MONDAY night ESPN intro seemed to be one long subliminal GMC advertisement, and an appearance by Governor Arnold, who picks up a flashing ESPN football helmet and says, “I’m ready for some football, are you?”

I guess he wasn’t ready to buy a GMC truck.

*

WHEN THE Raiders game started, we were told the crowd was fired up, some of the fans here since Friday, confirming the fact most Raiders fans don’t have jobs.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Mr. Disgusted:

“Anybody besides me tired of seeing some of the bigger stars on the Angels dogging it to first base on ground balls -- only to have the fielder bobble it, but then still throw out the jogging Angel?

The Angels have been saving themselves all season for those final seven games with the A’s ... which might not matter.