A whole new ballgame
Higher out-of-glove costs:
“Baseball Fever” will no longer be covered by most HMOs.
Who needs ‘em?
From July, the season is aborted and played out in a simulated fantasy league.
He’s in it to win:
Ralph Nader insists on appearing on this year’s All-Star ballot.
Say hi to Jack Nicholson:
Unruly fans will be promptly escorted to nearest NBA game.
No Barry Bonds jokes:
Automatic steroid injectors on second base will be removed.
The double-knits were tacky:
Uniforms to be designed by “Project Runaway” champ.
Alberto, who’s warming up?
Bullpen phones wiretapped under the Patriot Act.
Three hours of dead air:
Announcers forbidden to use cliches like “throwing heat,” “a walk’s as good as a hit” or “going, going, gone.”
BMI is not a baseball stat:
In a nod to the obesity epidemic, the Wave to be replaced by the Mildly Spirited Raising of Beers and Hot Dogs.
I guess now we’ll just have to call them liars:
Anti-discrimination legislation prohibits fans from referring to inaccurate umpires as “blind.”
We’re No. 18! We’re No. 18!
To help foster literacy, former No. 1 foam fingers must now correspond to the United States’ international education ranking.