No scoreboard needed to figure out Clippers stink

I arrived at Staples Center at 4 p.m. to find the Clippers still alive.

4:14: Chris Jackson is already on the court shooting jump shots. “All day,” he says with swish after swish. I’d feel a lot better about the Clippers’ chances, though, if it were Kaman on the court instead of a game operations intern.

4:17: Elton Brand arrives. I classified the Clippers as goners weeks ago, and after a recent win, Brand said, “not bad for a bunch of dead guys, huh?” Now we shake hands, and both say the same thing while adding a hearty laugh: “still alive.”

4:32: Chris Kaman and some Russian guy who has been hanging around the Clippers all year take the court.

4:33: Coach Mike Dunleavy arrives and is shaking his head. “I still can’t understand Dallas ... oh well, miracles do happen. 1984 and hockey.” I explain to him that it was “1980,” and he might want to work on that pregame pep talk a little more.

4:35: A Clippers spokesman says the score of the Warriors-Trail Blazers game will not be shown on the scoreboards around Staples Center per the coach’s orders for fear it might distract the players. Once again no consideration for the paying customers; it would’ve been better to stay home and follow the evening’s results on TV. The way the Clippers played most of this season, it really would have been better to stay at home all season long.

4:45: A nice man tells me the Russian guy hanging around with the Clippers all year is a player. A Clippers draft choice. He doesn’t know his name either.

4:57: The Clippers conduct a practice. Sam Cassell is sitting on the bench. The way things have gone this year, I’m not sure Cassell needs much practice sitting on the bench.

5:01: A Team LA clerk says there has been a 25% off sale on Clippers merchandise for the last few weeks. Lakers gear is still full price. Do you think they started printing Clippers playoff T-shirts?

6:05: Tim Thomas is sitting in front of his locker. That might explain why he remains the team’s worst free-throw shooter. The court is open for extra work, but it’s Brand who is working on his free throws.

6:17: Dunleavy tells the media, “If we make the playoffs, we’ll be a dangerous team.” In case the folks at the Brea Improv are interested, Dunleavy will be available to appear onstage as early as this weekend.

7:19: Clippers are still more than eight minutes away from introductions and Golden State has a 2-0 lead on Portland. The Clippers might not be dead, but Staples Center is.

7:29: Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr. from Fifth Dimension fame sing the national anthem. No reason to save them for the playoffs.

7:34: Shaun Livingston walks to center court without aid of crutches and thanks the fans for their support. He’s rewarded with a standing ovation.

7:36: Clippers game starts and in Portland, Golden State gets a three-point play from Baron Davis to make it Warriors 31, Trail Blazers 19. Does it really matter how the Clippers play now?

7:45: Golden State is winning by 15 after the first quarter and the Clippers are losing. The Warriors are being led by Davis and Matt Barnes. I’ll tell you, that Steve Lavin really knew how to recruit and put together a playoff team.

8:02: A Clippers win and a Lakers loss leaves both teams tied, but the Lakers advance to the playoffs. I’m sitting next to Paul Westphal, who is watching the Lakers game on TV and his FSN sidekick Michael Eaves says Kobe won’t let the Lakers lose -- even if it means his scoring 70. “You’re starting to sound like Jack Haley,” Westphal tells Eaves, and to Eaves’ credit he restrains himself and doesn’t take a swing at Westphal.

8:17: It’s halftime in Portland, and Golden State has an 18-point lead. I notice Elgin Baylor is all dressed up -- getting ready, I guess, for his appearance on the NBA draft’s lottery show.

8:31: Clippers take a two-point halftime lead. Oxygen, please, for Ralph Lawler.

8:38: Channel 7’s Curt Sandoval says the Lakers are going to end up losing to Sacramento and go to Dallas for the playoffs. The Lakers are winning by 10 points. Keep that in mind the next time Sandoval delivers the scores on TV.

8:53: Golden State is up by 26. The Clippers must be aware of the score because they’re playing as if they no longer care. New Orleans leads by seven, and some fans are booing. Kaman is sitting on the bench alone, away from his teammates and paying no attention to what Dunleavy has to say. I stop listening to Dunleavy at times too, but then he’s not my boss.

9:01: Frankie Muniz is sitting at courtside with the kind of haircut that would keep most people in their home until it grew out. When Kaman appears more clean-cut than you do, you’ve got a problem.

9:02: Some fan who has been yelling all year at the opposition from beyond one of the baskets is screaming at one of the New Orleans’ players. “You’re a moron, do you hear me?” How would you like to have season tickets alongside such noise pollution? How would you like to receive a letter from the Clippers announcing they’re going to be charging you more next year to be annoyed?

9:08: Golden State takes a 17-point lead into the fourth quarter. The fans in Staples are going wild. The cheerleaders are throwing a handful of free T-shirts into the crowd. Just imagine how the fans might’ve reacted had the Clippers given them something to cheer about.

9:30: The Lakers are going to Phoenix for the playoffs. Let’s hope Sandoval will catch the news on Channel 4.

9:40: The Warriors are going to the playoffs, and there is still no indication on the scoreboards here the Clippers are dead.

9:45: The Clippers give some fan in the upper-level season tickets for next year. They show him on the scoreboard, and everyone is obviously relieved when he makes no attempt to jump.

9:54: The Clippers are an embarrassment, a disaster, a throwback to terrible days of old -- losing to New Orleans. They don’t make the playoffs and don’t finish .500, while Lavin’s guys play on.