Into the golden void
Sure, as a member of the Writers Guild, I feel awful about all the camera operators, editors and grips out of work because of our strike. But when it shut down the Golden Globes, I wondered if we hadn’t brought too much hurt to America. Weighed down with guilt, I decided to do what I could to brighten up the pathetic substitute news conference. I was going to don a tuxedo, roll up in a fly car with a swanky date and whip out a bottle of champagne as the winners were announced.
Unfortunately, the Golden Globes only gave me one ticket. So I e-mailed Giuliana Rancic, the E! News anchor, to ask if she was going to the news conference and would consider being my date. Not only was she going, she told me, but she’d be reading the winners of four of the awards, and to pick her up an hour before. This led to an awkward moment when I had to ask my wife for help tying my bow tie so I could go on a date with an E! host.
I first got the notion that I didn’t look as sharp as I hoped when a woman in the elevator in Rancic’s apartment building sized up the Robert Wagner Collection tuxedo I borrowed from Mike Brain for prom and never returned. Trying to assess whether I was the bartender for some party, she said, “You working for upstairs?”
Rancic, however, was dressed in a black Dolce & Gabbana dress and open-toed Christian Louboutin shoes, an outfit that is the classic match for a Robert Wagner Collection tuxedo. She was concerned because at rehearsals a few hours earlier, the producers told her to ad lib an intro and she didn’t know what to say. She was thinking of expressing support for the striking writers but was unsure.
This presented the greatest moral dilemma I had ever faced. I could help her -- and get a pro-union message broadcast on the three networks -- but I would have to violate the union’s strike rules to do it.
Sometimes a man has to risk everything for what he believes is right. I wrote for Rancic. And I don’t regret it. Though I do regret it wasn’t funnier. The best I could come up with was: “I want to say that I support the Writers Guild. That’s mostly because if it weren’t for the strike, there’s no way I’d be a presenter at the Golden Globes.”
But I had bigger concerns. As Rancic’s assistant drove us to the Beverly Hilton Hotel in a black Cadillac Escalade, I started getting nervous about this whole plan of looking like an overdressed idiot. When we rolled up, though, a Rolls-Royce pulled in behind us. All the guys were in suits and the women in gowns. This was the sexiest news conference in history not involving Kenneth Starr.
It was in no ordinary meeting room, either, but on the Golden Globe stage in the Golden Globe room, as if there were Golden Globe celebrities attending, not just a bunch of reporters. There were hors d’oeuvres and glasses of Moet, making the champagne stashed in my computer bag completely unimpressive, especially because it was actually Spanish sparkling wine. “I didn’t know it was going to be in a ballroom,” said Rancic. “I totally freaked out at rehearsals. The first thing I thought was, ‘I get to see myself with Golden Globes lighting.’ ”
Still, I was the only one in a tux, and that helped me slip backstage with Rancic’s posse, presumably as her bartender. “I love that I get a hosting job over Ryan Seacrest,” she said. “I know he’s sitting in his $14-million mansion and crying in his little bed. And I know it’s little, because he’s a little man.”
When Rancic came to the stage, I cheered wildly, now aware of what happens when you get on her bad side. Then she mangled my line, reminding me why I get so frustrated working with talent. She did, however, mention supporting the writers twice, which I’m pretty sure was her way of saying what a good date I was.
Afterward, still trying to figure out why everyone was in formal wear, I walked up to Carrie Keagan, who was in a green gown, who explained that she was dressed up because she was hosting the TV Guide Channel’s coverage. There were so many shows covering the nonshow that half the people there were on-camera reporters. And the print journalists pulled out their best attire because they suspected that they’d be interviewed about covering the nonshow. In fact, as I was talking to Keagan, a TV Guide Channel producer booked me for post-nonshow coverage.
Everyone just pretended that this was normal. Rancic answered questions about presenting awards, even though she hadn’t handed a trophy to anyone. I talked about movies I hadn’t seen. Everyone continued on as if a big, star-studded awards show had actually happened. Because the booming ancillary entertainment industry couldn’t afford for it not to. Our culture abhors a celebrity vacuum.
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