Super Bowl hype week is just like talking to a child

PHOENIX -- The reason I’m in Arizona, of course, is to see the granddaughter.

As for the week of hoopla here and the big game, I thought about telling the 7-Eleven Kid what it’s really like, but at her age aren’t we supposed to lie to kids?

There’s going to be a time to start training her to tell the truth, or otherwise Santa Claus will stop making her toys, but this is really her first Super Bowl -- what with it being right down the road.

And if she wants to think she has a shot at getting together with Tom Brady, what kind of G.P. would I be to squash her dreams?

So here’s what I told the kid about the first day of hype week at Super Bowl Whatever.

Do you know you can still get a ticket for the Super Bowl, honey? There’s an ad in the Arizona Republic -- it’s a newspaper, sweetie, and I’ll save a few for you so when you get older and they’ve all disappeared, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

The ad is offering 40-yard line, second-row seats along with passes for a NFL pre-game tailgate party, and they’re only $20,000 each. Oh, that’s right, you have a Grocery Store Bagger for a daddy, which reminds me, I wouldn’t get my hopes up when it comes time for the Tooth Fairy to pay off.

George Clooney, Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt and Scarlett Johansson are going to be here this week, celebrities everywhere, and your G.P. has already run into Bob Glauber.

Now you might say, “Bob who?” OK, so maybe he’s not as big as one of the Wiggles, but if you saw him on “Cold Pizza” or whatever it’s called now, he’s just as silly.

They’re going to have so many parties here -- only $1,100 to join Nick Lachey; $1,700 to rub shoulders with John Travolta; or $250 for a glimpse of Ashlee Simpson. Oh, that’s right, you have a Grocery Store Bagger for a daddy.

There’s a free concert featuring Counting Crows, which would be good practice for you. I’d take you, but I’ll be working. Someone still has to support your mommy and daddy.

Do you know there are 4,786 people here from print, TV, radio and Internet outlets? And there are policemen everywhere protecting them, which probably explains why no one is trying to catch the bad guys who robbed your house. What kind of people steal grocery bags anyway?

THE NFL didn’t schedule anything for the media Monday morning because most of the writers were out late on expense account. Your G.P. was asleep because it’s an hour later here, and 9 o’clock is 9 o’clock.

The first press event was after lunch, and on behalf of Visa, NFL players were going to teach Phoenix High kids money management skills -- probably recommending they hire an agent on the q.t. and take money under the table.

I missed it because I was talking to Mike Ornstein, who was working with Reggie Bush while Bush was at USC, which gave me an excellent one-on-one chance to learn about money management skills. You’d like Ornstein, honey, because he says he’s innocent, and I know how much you like fairy tales.

THE NFL brought the coach of the Patriots and six players to the media headquarters, about the same time I was getting an e-mail from the Kings.

The Kings are a hockey team that is about as exciting as that drive you make with your parents from L.A. to Arizona, and competing for attention with the Super Bowl is like trying to get a word in when your grandmother starts talking.

The coach of the Patriots is Bill Belichick, and I know what you’re going to say: “I scared.”

You and I are a little different, honey. I say: “Nap time.”

But this is what is so amazing about the Super Bowl. There were hundreds of reporters writing down every monotone mumble, and he already spoke on Sunday, and will do so again Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I wish I had my blankie.

Nicknamed “Gloom,” by Bill Parcells, and now, honey, there’s a man who is scary, Belichick was caught cheating. I’d like to say he really got into trouble, but he’ll probably be holding a trophy on Sunday. But I’m sure he’ll feel badly about it.

Maybe someday you will read the work of David Halberstam, who wrote a book about Belichick three years ago. This will comes as news to your mother too, but some books don’t just have pictures. In a New York Times review of “The Education of a Coach,” Richard Sandomir wrote, “Belichick created a stern, brusque, stoic N.F.L. persona that was ‘an extension of the authority he hoped to exercise,’ a mask to substitute for his modest physique and undistinguished college career.”

In other words, kid, it’s all an act.

THERE WAS a crowd around Junior Seau, and he was saying, “We work one day at a time,” and although that might remind you of something Big Bird might say, some of the reporters were having trouble keeping up as they wrote down what he had to say.

Wes Welker, the Patriots’ pixie wide receiver, was also talking nearby, and he looks as if he could give Tom Brady a good run as media darling this week.

“Tom is Tom,” he says, and although I know you would’ve expected your G.P. to argue with him, he says, “He’s one of the best quarterbacks around. He looked great [in practice]. He has the same dimples and everything.”

The session over, there was no sign of Plaschke in the room, because everyone here had two arms, two legs and appeared healthy.

YOU HAD to board a bus to go interview the Giants at their hotel in Chandler, but why bother?

They were showing the interviews on TV here, and later they would pass out sheets and sheets of paper with quotes from the players.

For example, on Page 57, and it’s only Monday, Giants punter Jeff Feagles was saying the secret to playing so long is just “a matter of keeping your nose to the grindstone.”

Now would you drive all the way to Chandler to hear something like that?

Well, you wouldn’t, because if G.P. has any say in it, you’ll be 21 before you’re driving anywhere.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.