When finances move in together
It can be great to be a couple -- until you start talking about money. Maybe you’re trying to save up for retirement but your husband can’t stop buying new shoes. Or you come from wealth and your girlfriend doesn’t have enough money to buy a bus ticket to come visit. This month Alana answers your questions about the etiquette of saving for two.
Dear Alana: I have been married twice. After a failed first marriage we divided our assets evenly.
In the second marriage we did not have a prenuptial agreement because my lady friend did not feel comfortable signing one. I know I was making decisions with my heart (and something else) and not my head.
Now I’m up in age but still young at heart, and my new significant other would like to move into my house and sell her own. Any advice?
Andy from Orange
Dear Andy: Moving in together is a big deal. Maybe you’re in love, but when your honey fails to squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube for the fifth straight day or eats all the bananas without saving you one, you might fall right out of it. Not to mention that you don’t say whether you want her to move into your mansion/apartment/shack. How do you feel, Andy? Are you enjoying your bachelor lifestyle? Because as soon as she moves in, you’ll probably have to stop leaving pizza on the floor and change your underwear from time to time.
If you do decide she’s worth taking the plunge, think about drawing up a cohabitation agreement -- with legal help if possible -- to determine what belongs to whom and what would happen if she ditched you for an older man. You don’t want to join the likes of Martina Navratilova or Liberace and be sued for palimony if your live-in relationship goes sour.
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She makes more, and that bugs him
Dear Alana: My boyfriend took the academic route and I took the corporate route. As a result, I make substantially more money than he does. He doesn’t outright say it, but he’s increasingly frustrated that friends and colleagues are making more (and I’m lumped in this group). So now when it comes to dining out or going on trips together, there is always underlying tension. I try to be sensitive to it, but I don’t want to walk on eggshells all the time. Nor do I want to always curb dining out (or similar activities). What can be done?
Shelley from San Francisco
Dear Shelley: Isn’t it difficult being a Modern Woman? Stay at home to be a mother and people scorn you; have a successful career and your boyfriend feels emasculated. And we still can’t get elected president.
Now. If your boyfriend were as smart as you say he is, he would probably realize that one of the benefits of being a Modern Man is that he can pursue his studies in medieval armor or whatnot and still go out to fancy dinners paid for by his high-powered girlfriend. But clearly his predilections are still medieval in nature, and he thinks women should still act like damsels in distress when the check comes.
The best way to banish that underlying tension, Shelley, is to have a flat-out talk about finances. Tell him you feel comfortable paying his way because you know that down the line, his job as an academic will allow him to have a steady salary, take you out to nice dinners and go to fascinating conferences about medieval chastity belts.
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Does he have to marry her debts?
Dear Alana: My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. We are in our early 30s. I have a fairly sizable retirement account, a pretty-well-paying job, no credit card debt and only mortgage debt related to my personal residence and four rental properties. My girlfriend has no retirement or savings and owes about $14,000 on credit cards and has about $25,000 in student loans. The bigger issue is that she has no retirement savings.
I worry that as a married couple playing catch-up to pay off her debt and then saving toward our goal to have a family is going to put a significant dent in my plan to retire early and pursue humanitarian goals.
Chris from Moorpark
Dear Chris: There’s no rule saying you have to assume your girlfriend’s debt when she becomes your wife. It would be perfectly kosher to keep stashing money in your retirement account while she scrimps and saves to pay off her debt. But that might make you feel guilty, as it’s the equivalent of shoveling caviar in your face while she subsists on picante-flavored chips from the 99 Cents Only Store.
If you’re getting married, you might think about starting a separate savings-retirement-family account that you can both contribute to. Deposit a chunk of your savings there each month while still putting some into your own retirement account. Yes, it means you get to retirement more slowly, but that’s the reality of having kids. They slow you down.
Another solution is to find a way to pursue your humanitarian goals now, rather than waiting until retirement.
You could rescue a three-legged puppy, adopt a child from Malawi or maybe even help a struggling woman pay off her debt.
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Next month: Workplace etiquette. So you finally got a job, and your boss insists on calling you slurpface. Or you got laid off and your boss still wants to hang out. How to deal with those touchy workplace questions in a down economy? Send your questions to askalana@ latimes.com.
