Chris Erskine: Man of the House
No one ever got a pleasant childhood memory from a Nintendo game.
My buddy Irv has one of those same-sex marriages. Every Saturday night, he has the same sex.
Best sound of summer: the ping of a wrench when it hits the garage floor.
Second-best sound of summer: a dad saying to his son, “Hey, pal, hand me that wrench?”
Computer upgrades are like transplants. Unless your life depends on it, avoid them.
Best potential book on tape: Vin Scully reading classic children’s stories.
“And a very pleasant good evening to you, whichever pajamas you are wearing ...”
In a perfect world, we all would have our own Kardashian.
In an extra-perfect world, we all would have our own Scully.
Two things I wish L.A. had more of during the summer: lightning bugs and canoes.
Even in its prime, Doonesbury was never all that funny.
But the comic strip Zits would make a great animated TV show.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
(Emo Philips)
Everything is better with cheese on it.
All kids should know how to mow a lawn.
All kids should know how to paint a fence.
“Modern Family” has the best comedy ensemble since “Friends.”
In fact, “MF” might be even better.
Cleaning the office refrigerator should be redeemable for a day off.
Or, in the case of our office fridge, a month at the Mayo Clinic.
Forcing customers to buy multiple-game packages in order to see the Dodgers-Yankees or the all-star game in Anaheim is a form of fan extortion.
Maybe Charlie Sheen’s show should be renamed “Two and a Half Total Tools.”
Nothing says “home” like the sizzle of a frying pan in the kitchen.
If gophers were racehorses, we’d be Churchill Downs.
If kids were racehorses, we’d be rich with fertilizer.
I always get a slight food buzz from reading the words “cheese steak.”
To this day, “The Great Gatsby” remains a terrific summer read.
How long before Hollywood remakes “Moby-Dick” in 3-D?
Dream cast: Russell Crowe as Ahab. Shaquille O’Neal as the whale.
“God hunt us all, if we do not hunt Moby-Dick to his death!”
Best new sandwich place: the Slaw Dogs on Lake Avenue in Pasadena, just north of the freeway.
Best place to spot George Clooney eating sushi: Kazu in Studio City.
The only person I ever saw with better timing than Betty White? Bill Cosby.
Woody Allen on the benefits of oral contraception: “I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no.’”
Best bargain downtown? The 25-cent funicular ride.
I can already see the Bruckheimer poster: “Mess with the ocean. Mess with Moby.”
Saddest commentary on modern life: four people sitting around a restaurant table staring at their cellphones.
Whatever happened to Tom Hanks?
Whatever happened to “Entourage”?
Only in L.A. can you drive for a full year and never need your high beams.
Best summer investment: a tennis racquet.
Second-best summer investment: Scott Turow’s new book, “Innocent.”
By far the most important person on a baseball team: the play-by-play announcer.
With the restaurant Windows now closed, the best view of downtown L.A. at sunset comes from WP24, Wolfgang Puck’s new joint in the Ritz-Carlton.
Best excuse to get teenagers to read: It will make them more interesting on dates.
If teenagers still dated, that is.
Mostly, they hang out in herds.
“Young people need role models, not critics.” (John Wooden)
chris.erskine@latimes .com
