Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert feel your election pain: ‘Get some rest, sober up’

Tuesday night was a late night for America — and for late-night TV hosts covering the election.

Both Trevor Noah and Stephen Colbert emceed live shows breaking down the presidential race between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden — which has yet to decide a winner — tracking incoming votes and acknowledging the heightened, country-wide anxiety caused by all of the above.

“What’s going on, everybody? Welcome to the live election night show,” Noah said on “The Daily Show.” “And you know how we know we’re live? Because I’ve already thrown up on myself, and I’ve had time to clean it up. ...


“Because we’re ... celebrating the end of democracy, we decided to be here in my special election fallout shelter, which is stocked up with everything I need if s— goes down, which it probably will.”

The fate of the presidency still hangs in the balance as President Trump and Joe Biden duel over a few remaining battleground states.

Throughout Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning, results have continued to trickle in as a number of battleground states — such as Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin — have been alternating between red and blue as predicted.

At press time, Biden has secured 238 electoral votes and is leading in Nevada, Wisconsin and Michigan, while Trump has secured 213 electoral votes and is leading in Alaska, Georgia, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.

“If Trump wins again, all drugs should just become legal,” Noah quipped. “We cannot go through the next four years sober. I need heroin gummies at least.”

By the end of the comedians’ respective telecasts, it was clear the next president of the United States would not be decided until at least the following day, possibly even later this week, when the record number of votes cast via mail and in person will have been tallied.

“We still don’t know who won,” Colbert said at the close of his Showtime special. “We’ve been waiting for this for so long, it’s like Christmas Eve. And not just because of the judgmental fat guy with a red hat — but because we’re all up late wondering if tomorrow morning we’re going to get the president we’ve been begging for: a boring president.

“Like you, I’m exhausted — not just from tonight, although, yeah — but from the past four years,” Colbert added. “I’ve been on high alert since early in the morning, Nov. 9 of 2016. Now my blood pressure is in normal range for a truck tire. You could roll my aorta all over a gravel road, and I wouldn’t feel a bump.”

With victories in Michigan and Wisconsin, the former Vice President is just shy of claiming the White House as counts continue in a handful of states.

In typical Colbert fashion, the “Late Show” star couldn’t help but throw in some extra digs at the incumbent before signing off.

“For four years, Trump has kept this entire nation’s emotional meter hovering over in the red zone,” he said. And every time you think you can take your foot off the gas, a caravan of Trump trucks tries to run you off the road. So I understand your stress, I do. ...

“The reason it’s taking so long to declare a winner is because we’ve had such a massive voter turnout ... Millions of you braved the pandemic, an army of poll watchers — even the post office — just to make sure you got to vote. Each and every one of those ballots deserves to be counted ... Many of you waited in line for hours to make your voices heard, so I know we’ve all got what it takes to wait just a little bit longer.”

In their final messages to get out the vote, celebrities overwhelmingly support former VP Joe Biden over President Trump — surprising exactly nobody.

Noah left viewers with a similar — albeit slightly less motivational — sentiment.

“This [is] gonna go for a while, people,” he said. “Brace yourselves. A bunch of states still haven’t come in. Every day, we’re going to be counting the votes, and then after that, we’re going to be following the lawsuits. So get some rest, sober up, and we’ll catch you again tomorrow.”