5 things Grover Norquist can do at Burning Man


Apparently Grover Norquist — the very same Grover Norquist who heads the anti-tax Americans for Tax Reform — is going to Burning Man.

Yes, Burning Man. As in the festival in the Nevada desert where people wear crazy ensembles, make Mad Max sculptures, ingest hallucinogens and set a giant statue on fire.

At least that’s what Norquist reported on Twitter yesterday. He tells the National Journal he’s wanted to go since 2012, when he met Larry Harvey, the founder of Burning Man.


The reason? Burning Man’s small-government ethos.

Or, as he tells the National Journal, “Burning Man is a refutation of the argument that the state has a place in nature.”

Upon learning about this unusual development, I prayed that it was all really real. (In the same way I pray that the chupacabra is really real.)

I also tried to imagine the activities on the playa Norquist might partake in. I’ve combed the Burning Man activities schedule. Here are five things Mr. Tax Pledge simply can’t miss:

  1. The Spank Bank. As the Burning Man website says, this is “a sensual playa spanking experience” where you can “have your bottom spanked while being treated to a cocktail.” If he’s not into having people spank his behind, he can get spanked by a robot. Either way, a good reason to drop trou in the desert. Afterward, he can recover by paying a visit the Hiney Hygiene Station.
  2. Pole Dancing. Norquist. Pole dancing. In a genie bottle. The mind reels.
  3. Sideshow Freak Confessional. Might Norquist confess that he sometimes drives on tax-funded highways, visits tax-funded national parks, and eats foods for which farmers have received tax-funded subsidies? Nah.
  4. The Orgy Dome. Pack a towel.
  5. The Bad Idea Bar. A place, besides Washington, that actually wants bad ideas.

Now, let’s hope he gets an Instagram account. This is gonna be good...
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