‘Bachelorette’ recap: Is Desiree going to end up alone?

Listen, I know I’m supposed to recap Monday night’s episode. But I’m just not able to do that for you right now.

Because: WHAT WAS THAT SEASON PROMO? The show goes along, James gets the boot, it seems things are finally getting dramatic and then, bam, ABC, you leave me with this?

Let’s break things down. Chris Harrison tells us this is what we have left to expect in this season of “The Bach”: helicopters, beaches, kissing, blah. Everything looks great, until Drew tells Des -- a sobbing mess -- that he “didn’t see this happening” and that it’s “not something you can control.” What is he referring to, people? Does he stop having feelings for Des? Are his all-important digital marketing analysis duties calling him back to Scottsdale, Ariz.? “It’s just never gonna work,” he laments.

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As if that weren’t enough of a bomb, it seems as though Des may tell all of the other guys to peace out because she was all in for Drewskis. Then we got a montage of all the guys hardcore crying. Like, embarrassingly.

If you leave spoilers in the comments, I will find you. But I feel that ending to the season would explain Des’ lackluster attitude while promoting the show in the media over the past few months, no? Editors, please do not toy with my emotions this way!

If things are going to end in a spectacular train wreck that I’m obviously dying to watch, it seems pointless to relive what went down on this week’s ep. Alas, let’s pick some highlights:

-- Drew grows a backbone. Yes, Mr. Hair Gel finally got his one-on-one date, and he started it by planting one on Des in the middle of a Barcelona street. She was intrigued. “What makes Drew, Drew?” she mused later, as the two toured the city. Mousse or pomade?

After sharing that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer -- ooh, maybe that’s why he has to leave? To be with his ailing dad? -- Drew was over the producers’ lame dates. He was ready to make out in an alley, and that’s what he did, damn it. Impressively, I might add. Like, it didn’t even matter that they were gyrating against a dirty wall next to a garbage can graffiti-ed with a heart. It was kinda hot. I was hoping he might even untuck his shirt from his high-waisted jeans, but no such luck.

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Crafty fellow that he is, Drew got Des all hot and bothered before throwing James under the bus. If you recall, Drew had been returning from a group date with all the dudes, most of whom drifted off, save for James and Mikey. Apparently, thinking everyone was asleep. the two meat heads began talking about how many girls they’d get once they were back at home. And then James uttered the words that you just can’t say on the show: He has thought about the possibility of being the next “Bachelor.” Cut to:

-- James gets kicked off. I’m torn about this. On one hand, I don’t think it’s horrible to fantasize about the possibility of life after the show. But voicing it in front of other dudes who are psychotically focused on Des is idiotic. “Why aren’t you completely focused on this? How is there no other reality?” Drew angrily questioned James about his motives. Looks like we might have a hypocrite on our hands, folks!

James and Des then had multiple discussions about this tomfoolery. At first, Des was all, “Oh, no, you didn’t. I’m kickin’ you to the curb, boy-fren!” But then James and his steroid-y muscles cried a lot, and he said he was so distraught that he was getting a headache. Des said she needed the night to think. She thought. And then she let him go, which was impressive. Because even if it’s OK for someone on the show to talk about things post-production, I do think James had shady intentions. Also, if he and Des ran off into the sunset and went on to a life filled with GTL, I would weep for her.

Two other guys were also sent packing, which seemed excessive. I was not sad to see Kasey, who looked like an unattractive version of Zac Efron, go. But Juan Pabs: We hardly knew ye! I hope you go home to your daughter, become her soccer coach and date her teammates’ mothers, just as Gerard Butler did in “Playing for Keeps.”

Meanwhile, everyone has been promising the season would get cray-cray, and it seems to be delivering. But will we have enough invested in Des to care if everything blows up in her face? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

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