There are a lot of ways to waste your money. That investment in your second cousin’s side project that was sure to make millions; those markers to write over the scratches on your car but never seem to work; that last-minute trip to Atlantic City, N.J. But a good infomercial-watcher knows the best way to throw away a couple of bucks is in the kitchen.
There is a gadget for almost everything. And if you’re lazy, you can find a way to justify all of them. Well, almost. To save you from public humiliation, and to save a little dough, we put together a list of the 11 most useless kitchen tools in the entire world.
And until chefs and home cooks are replaced by robots in metallic aprons that say Magic Chef 5000, we’ll keep reaching for a good ol’ spatula and knife.
Kitchen Art Ham Dogger
This plastic contraption is for the indecisive BBQ guest. It’s used for taking hamburger meat and shaping it into a one-fourth-pound hot dog. A burger press is bad enough, especially if you have two hands. Just eat a hot dog.
Compac Mayo Knife Spreader
This item is billed as being shaped to the contours of a mayonnaise jar. It’s for when you can’t seem to get that last bit of mayo out of the jar. Hmmm, you could use your finger or, here’s an idea, stop stressing over that last tiny not-even-worth-a-lick bit of mayo and open another jar. Oh, and the handle includes a hole for hanging storage in case you’d like to put this baby on display next to your copper pots and pans above the kitchen island.
Roll N Pour
Because everyone needs a rocking, mini baby carriage made of plastic for their jugs of milk and juice. It’s advertised as “no more weak wrist problems” and “great for kids and seniors.” I’d rather break both my wrists than roll-pour juice out of this thing. And no word on how Great-Grandma is going to haul that jug of juice from the fridge and get it into the Roll N Pour.
ChopStirTM cooking tool by Walter Drake
This nylon tool claims to chop and stir at the same time. Are you kidding me with this thing? In no world will you be punished for having ground beef pieces that are not of uniform length.
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Unless you have a medical condition that actually makes you afraid of sharp objects, there is no acceptable reason to buy this banana slicer. Use a dull butter knife. Use the edge of a plastic cutting board. You can even use your shoelace! If you find one of these in someone’s kitchen run far, far away.
Zyliss Sandwich Knife
Word on the street is, if you use this knife for anything other than a sandwich, your head will explode. Needless to say, keep it away from small children and people who don’t like sandwiches.
Fox Run Butter Spreader Stick
Don’t eat so much butter where you find yourself annoyed that it’s messy to keep spreading it on everything. It’s bad for you.
Dreamfarm Scizza 12-Inch Pizza Scissors
It’s a pizza slicer and spatula in one. Because it’s way too much extra effort to go through all the trouble of cutting up an entire pizza. A who can really stomach putting down the pizza cutter to pick up all the slices? Lazy.
Rollie Eggmaster Vertical Grill
Why should eggs be eaten in the shape of a roll? Just seems so limiting. Why not in the shape of an octagon or a triangle? Kitchen tools that discriminate don’t deserve a place in your drawer.
Evriholder HDH Hot Dog Slicer
No. No. No. No.
XOXO Steel Double Jigger
If you’re not working in a bar where you have to regulate how much liquor goes into each drink, than who cares how much you pour? You’re at home. Learn the however-many-seconds-I-feel-like pour.
If you have a gadget you think deserves a spot on our list, let us know in the comments below.