Out of all the coverage I’ve seen of the Los Angeles fires, the hardest to watch was a video of an elderly man returning to his home, which had been reduced to a pile of ashes. As he fought back tears, he kept repeating how lucky he was: He had survived, and all he had lost was his house, which was just “stuff.”
I recognize those conflicted feelings all too well from when I lost nearly everything I owned in a fire a few years ago. I was so, so grateful that no one was hurt — yet at the same time I was also deeply distressed about the things I had lost.
In the aftermath of the fire, I explored some of the psychology behind our attachment to our belongings while writing a book, which helped me to accept the fact that yes, I was grieving. The only difference was it wasn’t another person I was grieving; it was part of myself.
One of the more obvious reasons we have strong emotions around our belongings is that they are connected to our memories. Our brains aren’t perfect storage mechanisms but work through hints and context clues to bring back things that happened in the past. My memories were a locked box, and my belongings were the keys.
But memory is malleable too. In my recovery after the fire, I put a lot of effort into organizing the photos I have in cloud storage, to make sure they are accessible and categorized. I had lost plenty of my reminders of the past, so I wanted to make sure I had something to compensate for them.
Recovery from the trauma of losing possessions affects people in very different ways. In writing my book, I spoke to a researcher who had worked with victims of the Camp fire in Butte County in 2018, which at that time was the deadliest wildfire in the history of California.
She noticed that victims tended to fall into three categories. The first group were deeply unsettled by the financial losses they had suffered and responded by collecting as many possessions as they could. In the second group, people sought as much as possible to replace every object that they had owned. If they were given a cuckoo clock on their wedding day, they would go on eBay and find an identical one — then transfer all the symbolic meaning of the original onto the new version.
The final group became extreme minimalists: The trauma of the fire rattled them so badly that they were unable to see the joy of objects again. Even if they could buy facsimiles of lost items, they didn’t want to, as it would never feel the same. On top of that, physical things started to feel flimsy: They were no longer a safe place to keep one’s sense of identity or memory.
Of course, not every single thing we own is good for us. At the most extreme end are people with hoarding disorders, in which feelings of acute distress are channeled into shopping and refusing to throw things away. On the less extreme end, shopping can be a short-lived distraction from our unhappiness.
The fire I went through entirely reshaped my view of what it means to have possessions. As I was starting my life from scratch, the first lesson I learned was that most of the things I had believed were essential in fact weren’t at all. I didn’t need to constantly chase fashions with clothes. I didn’t even need most of the kitchen gadgets I’d bought: If I had a few pans and dishes, a chopping board and a knife, then I could make pretty much anything.
But I learned that, yes, it was necessary to have enough things for a space to feel like home. It was, actually, vital to have framed photographs of my friends and family in my living room. It was essential to have some houseplants in my bedroom. I absolutely did need to have a thick blanket to snuggle under on the sofa. A few well-chosen things can allow us to collect our memories, connect to the people we love most and express key parts of our identity. Together they constitute a home — and as many people in Los Angeles have discovered so painfully this month, few things are more important than that.
Helen Chandler-Wilde is the author of “Lost & Found: Nine Life-Changing Lessons About Stuff From Someone Who Lost Everything.”