Dear Andrew Friedman:
So we finally know when the Dodgers will have that introductory press conference to announce you as their new not-a-general manager, and I guess that’s progress.
Friday at 11 a.m., team President and CEO Stan Kasten will formally introduce their new wunderkind – you! -- as the new president of baseball operations. Don’t be upset if the only ones in the room applauding are wearing SportsNet LA polo shirts.
Now I just think this would be the perfect time to demonstrate what a bold little mover and shaker you really are by immediately announcing your new GM – me.
I know, it’s just so obvious. Just on the bizarre chance it’s not, however, allow me to offer a few reasons for this expert hire:
-- L.A. roots: Look, you grew up in Texas, went to college in Louisiana and spent the last nine years working in Florida. You may not know Randy Newman from Randy Jackson, let alone the 405 from the 605.
I was born, raised, educated, laid off (Col. Sander’s Kentucky Roast Beef, RIP), married, bought my first house, became a parent, got laid off again, buried loved ones and met the Beach Boys, all in Los Angeles.
I went to school with Jeff Bridges (one semester, Brentwood Military Academy, RIP), was in the trees at the Greek Theatre for Neil Diamond, surfed in Huntington Beach (three seconds; it was documented) and learned to ski at Snow Summit (it’s this thing on snow).
Saw Pat Haden quarterback at Bishop Amat High School (and he was so lucky to beat Monte Vista in the first round of the playoffs), USC, the Southern California Sun and the Los Angeles Rams.
Dude, I am L.A.
-- I can kiss butt: Been reading what I’ve been writing about Ned Colletti lately? I got this down. Though sometimes my timing can be off.
Everyone knows this GM job is mostly going to entail a lot of “yes sir” material and you’ll really be running the show. Or at least as much as Kasten allows.
You need some nice perfunctory type who will do all the grunt work and follow directions. It’s like I’m writing my own job description.
-- I know people: I can promise to introduce you to the individuals you really need to develop a relationship with. You know, like Clayton Kershaw and Vin Scully.
There’s an outside chance I could hook you up with Jeff Bridges, but we actually only spoke once. Come on, his dad was Lloyd Bridges of “Sea Hunt” fame. You must meet him to know your place in L.A.
-- Diversity: I’m an old, bald white guy and you’re not. And as baseball will tell you, it’s impossible to have too many old, bald white guys around. You’re young and have hair. You need me.
If you want still more diversity, maybe I can bring along my Los Angeles Times sidekick, Dylan Hernandez, who’s about 32 different things and an expert on Dodger Stadium cuisine.
-- Familiarity with the Dodgers: Been around this team so long, I actually covered them when they last won a World Series (1988, you can check).
Worked with former GMs Al Campanis, Fred Claire, Tommy Lasorda, Kevin Malone, Dave Wallace, Dan Evans, Paul DePodesta and Colletti. And I’m the one still here!
-- Cutting edge: That’s me, baby. See, I write for a website. I use Twitter, Skype, YouTube and a really cool paper shredder.
None of that archaic, ink-stained newspaper stuff. Hip as an iPhone 6. Can’t afford a Tesla, but I’m sure you’ll change all that.
So wrap it all up and it’s pretty irresistible, right? Why hire obvious names like Kim Ng, Brian Minniti or Mike Hazen when such a perfect solution is right down in the press box? You’re credited with thinking outside the box, and here I am, waaay outside the box.
Also, I know how to play dirty. Hire me and I won’t start the rumor that as a former investment analyst at Bear Stearns you are personally responsible for the death of the entire American middle class.
Your new best buddy,