So you want to own the Dodgers?
We’re putting together a little group to buy the Dodgers. You in?
Steve Garvey and Orel Hershiser have their partnership, we’ll have ours. Instead of ex-players and MBAs, it’ll be run by the fans.
Parking will be free. Leaving early will cost 15 bucks.
Of course, this investment is not for everybody. What we’re looking for are investors with deep pockets. In fact, lots of pockets. Deep and plentiful pockets are a requirement, as is a love for the game. Can you pitch? That would be a definite plus as well.
The buy-in: about $125 million (or roughly the price of four tickets and dinner in the loge section).
Still interested? Take this quick test to see whether you’re owner material.
1. Are you rich?
2. Are you crazy?
If you answered yes to both of these questions, you’re just the kind of leader we’re looking for. Please continue.
3. How’s your marriage?
4. Do you believe seven houses are too many or too few?
Point is, we’re looking for sensible, God-fearing people with reasonable expectations. Wrong city, you say? That’s very perceptive. That doesn’t make you ineligible, merely suspect. Please continue anyway.
5. The infield fly rule is ...
a) The only way to regulate infielders’ zippers;
b) Impossible to understand.
Either answer is correct. You don’t really need to know the nuances of the game. What we’re looking for are shrewd businesspeople with money to burn. And burn and burn and burn....
6. Dodger Stadium ...
a) Smells like a mosh pit, needs a total makeover;
b) Is a gem, leave the place alone.
Trick question. You don’t really need to ever have attended a game there. Or even know what sport the Dodgers play. What we’re really interested in is how much you know about skirting federal antitrust laws and the ins and outs of asset depreciation.
7. Making payroll is ...
a) Nice when it happens;
b) What’s payroll?
That’s the kind of owner we’re looking for — unburdened by tradition and the mundane demands of day-to-day life. The game needs free-thinkers and visionaries. Please continue.
8. Tommy Lasorda is ...
a) A great American;
b) The greatest American.
OK, the Blue Bambino himself sneaked that one in. Seriously, has anyone ever seen Lasorda’s birth certificate? He was probably born in a cold kitchen in Livorno. Birthers, get to work.
9. Are you dating, or have you ever dated...
a) A Kardashian;
b) A McCourt;
c) A McKashian (the new kids’ meal at McDonald’s).
If you answered yes to any of the above, your brain is corked. Stop this test and see Ron Artest’s shrink immediately.
10. The best place to watch a ballgame is:
a) Anywhere, as long as you’re surrounded by friends and fellow fans;
b) Anywhere, as long as it’s the owner’s box (duh).
If you answered b, you’re obviously owner material.
Please make your check payable to me personally. I’ll see that it gets deposited in the best bank in Nigeria. What they do there is bundle low-interest home loans as a form of securities. It’s really the only way to invest.
So, you in? Way in?
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