Today, we are all Jack White’s tour guacamole

Jack White has now added the final bit of seasoning to the endless grind of mortar and pestle that is his guacamole saga: a long and exasperated letter that anybody still has an interest in the prepared-dip portion of his tour rider.

“Though our management sent out a letter to clarify this, and since this seems to be all anyone can ask me about lately, here’s the real deal,” White wrote. “Hopefully it’ll explain this nonsensical scenario and we can move on with our lives. (or what have you).”

White sounds genuinely bewildered, frustrated and existentially saddened that this is still the dominant theme of his public perception at the moment.

“I defend the right to free information in regards to public funds, but never in my 20 years of playing shows has my contract and tour rider been published in the paper that i recall,” White wrote. “Do you know why we dont do that or want that? a hundred articles about bananas, free speech, and guacamole is why.”

“Look for real problems instead,” White advised those who wrote about his tour rider and the ensuing controversy, the bulk of which he also refuted. “Next time. look for the truth, not fake drama.”

There is a lesson here about the gyre of meaninglessness that makes up so much of the Internet. How do stories like these -- celebrity semi-foibles that become self-perpetuating meta-memes online -- suck up so much of our attention?

It’s a beautiful day here in Los Angeles and we should all be so lucky as to be outside and surrounded by a cooler of Tecate and a big bowl of Jack White Tour Rider Guacamole with a couple of slobbery rescue-dogs panting at our feet.

Maybe, instead of blogging about White’s second bout of guacamole whack-a-mole, you could instead come home a little drunk after sundown at that (hypothetical) party, a bit leaden from chips and Jack White Tour Rider Guacamole but fundamentally sated. Even though it’s late, maybe you’ll call your mother and be reminded that perhaps there are people and feelings a world away from needling celebrities on Twitter about a delicious, avocado-based dip made table-side at several dozen restaurants within a couple miles of your office.

And maybe afterward you stay up late trying to write The Perfect Song, one that someday will allow you to ask for your own variation of Jack White Tour Rider Guacamole on a series of headlining dates around the world.

Then, finally, decades from now when the rain finally stops in L.A. and there are no more avocados to mash into zesty dips, you’ll take one bite of the packet of Rehydrated Synthetic Jack White Tour Rider Guacamole, and you’ll feel an overpowering sense of loss and of the world dissolving in the slipstream of time, which is really just a construct that man created to give meaning to the temporary accident of our existence.

What’s your favorite place for guacamole in your town?

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