A chance for LAX to fly

SNACKS ON a plane!

No? OK, how about ... steaks on a plane!

Of course it’s a writing gimmick, but did you see the movie? The snakes on that plane ate better than most passengers -- at least the food was fresh.

As for the food at the movie’s destination airport, LAX, it gets even worse reviews than the film. But that could change.

I say this cautiously because it involves government process. Before you can say “triple nonfat pumpkin spice latte, extra shot, one Splenda, one Equal, light whipped cream,” most of the concession contracts at Los Angeles International Airport will expire. Who gets the new contracts on 51 stores, duty-free shops, snack stands and bars will determine whether LAX remains an intolerable void filled mostly by gut-clogging chain pizza and clone-lit thrillers, or an airport as cool and engaging as this city aspires to be.

These concession contracts are a major-league political ballgame in L.A. A quarter of the airport’s operating budget -- which is close to $500 million a year -- comes from these shops, which adds up to an astounding business in Mentos and “I {heart} L.A.” T-shirts.

It’s been an astounding business for the politicians too. In the civic past, landing those airport contracts was like baiting a hook with a little fish to get a big one. A wink-and-nod shakedown, a no-bid contract, a nice campaign contribution -- and you could haul in a contract worth millions.

All that is supposedly behind us now. Last year, Antonio Villaraigosa, who appoints the seven members of the Airport Commission, returned campaign contributions from employees of a Florida outfit sniffing around the LAX concessions. The public is starting to watch how these deals are done. More importantly, the city controller, Laura Chick, is watching how these deals are done.

There’s reason to hope that the end of the old contracts means the end of the old LAX. An airport is nobody’s idea of destination shopping or dining, but even if thwarting international terrorism means a two- or three-hour airport wait, you and I shouldn’t have to do our part battling Al Qaeda evil-doers on a meal of beef jerky and Lorna Doones.

Other airports put LAX to shame. Pittsburgh’s has a salon with manicures and pedicures. Seattle’s has a massage bar and decent shopping. Detroit’s has an oxygen spa and manicures and pedicures. Vegas’ has a fully fitted gym, if you can manage some lifts amid all the cigarette smoke.

Other airports have showers and nap stalls. Other airports give you booties so you aren’t walking barefoot in gunk while your shoes roll through security scanners. Other airports have shops with unusual stuff you can’t find at your next stop. Other airports have lockers with fingerprint ID access so you don’t have to tote your carry-on bags everywhere.

And what does the world’s fifth-busiest airport have to offer by way of creature comforts and consumer enticements? With a few exceptions, food you’d find in frat house refrigerators, Dickensian bathrooms, dirt and noise and shops full of dreary, desperate, last-minute, they’re-calling-my-flight souvenirs.

The average LAX traveler earns $92,520 a year. But half of those travelers don’t spend a dime at the airport. Not one. Travelers at 21 other airports drop more money because there’s better stuff to spend it on. Passengers spend more dough in the Winnipeg airport, in San Francisco and Calgary and Newark. Newark, Antonio! The shame of it.

Writer Pico Iyer lived at LAX for a week in the 1990s for his book, “The Global Soul.” He’s a junk-food freak, so he considered it “the center of haute cuisine.” As for the airport itself, he said it “seemed to give up on even asserting a sense of hope or promise.... There are very few welcomes to L.A. at the airport and, in that sense, it acts as an antechamber, ridding the visitor of his illusions very quickly.”

Oh, fine. We spend multiple millions pitching L.A. to the world as a warm, welcoming world city, the dream capital, the home galaxy to the stars -- and all that PR gets wiped out the minute people step off the plane.

It will take substantial political will to cut the umbilical cord to major-chain concessionaires -- who, after all, have a lot of leverage, a lot of employees and a lot of money to give to political campaigns -- and try something different.

Still, I’m hopeful: Why not a “book swap” -- leave the one you just read and pick up something someone else left behind? Or teams of Marilyn Monroe and Darth Vader look-alikes hired to give lost travelers directions to the right gates. Why not a chance to get a layover henna tattoo? Or a tarot reading? (“Your bag really will be waiting for you at your destination.”)

patt.morrison@latimes.com