Beware the Ides of March Madness

Random thoughts on the madness of March, when the arenas are jumping and “the air is full of leather”:

St. Patrick should’ve been a point guard.

All basketball games — and seasons —- should fly by as quickly as they do in high school.

Best ref guideline: “No autopsy, no foul.”

Another sign of the apocalypse: $10 tickets scalped for $200 at the sold-out Chino Hills-Santa Ana Mater Dei high school game two weeks ago.

Great to see Rick Reilly back in Sports Illustrated, his Sistine Chapel.

The term “March Madness” was purportedly coined by Henry V. Porter, in an Illinois magazine essay that appeared 77 years ago.

Not to be confused with “Beware the Ides of March,” coined by William Shakespeare, who, according to scouts, could create but had no lateral quickness.

Also from Shakespeare: “I hear a tongue shriller than all music.” Obviously, he was referring to Dick Vitale.

The NCAA’s estimate of a high school athlete’s probability of playing Division 1 basketball: 1%.

Probability in baseball: 2.1%.

“He is happy only when the floor shimmers with reflections of fast moving streaks ...and the air is full of leather.” (Excerpt from “March Madness” essay about fans.)

Favorite name of a spring training town: Surprise, Ariz.

As in: “Surprise! No water, no trees, few signs of life....”

Sorry for saying recently that L.A. apartment buildings “look like penitentiaries.” That was unfair to penitentiaries.

RIP, Pat Conroy, who put the great in “The Great Santini.” Required reading for every dad who wants to coach.

What an awful experience for Erin Andrews. But $55 million? Bryan Stow got $18 million after having his brains bashed in after a baseball game.

Phil Jackson’s most-tenacious defenses would’ve found a way to stop the Golden State Warriors.

Does anyone know Rick Pitino’s actual age?

That glass of ice water you’ll be sipping in July likely landed the last few days in Mammoth, where fresh accumulations reached almost six feet.

Congrats to Kings organist Dieter Ruehle, who will replace Nancy Bea Hefley this season at Dodger Stadium. Expect a foghorn after every home run.

Most-energizing element of March Madness: the one-and-done format.

The NHL and NBA should adopt one-and-done playoffs as well.

How great would Jake Arrieta look in a Dodgers cap? His contract with the Chicago Cubs is up after this season.

Best moment of Peyton Manning’s farewell: “I called Paw Paw....”

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ DeAngelo Williams was right, Manning was so bad last year that “he couldn’t play dead in a western.” But back off, critics. The overall tone of his controversial tweet was respectful.

Way to take one for the team, Shaun Cunningham. He’s the Florida dad who calmly blocked the flying bat from smashing into his 9-year-old son’s face during a spring training game Saturday.

Kobe Bryant would make an excellent host of a live sports-variety talk show.

Birthday wishes: Hines Ward (40), Kenny Smith (51), and Petra Kvitova (26), a two-time Wimbledon champion who will be in Indian Wells, Calif., for the BNP Paribas Open through March 20.

Prediction: Within five years, there will be condos at Dodger Stadium. Brochures will say: “Terrific view, nice yard, 330 feet down the foul poles.”

Pitino’s plea that his team punishment be reserved to a fine is ludicrous. No team should be able to buy its way out of institutional failure.

Having a God complex must be so complex.

FYI, during last fall’s baseball playoffs, New York Mets outfielder Yoenis Cespedes spent mornings blasting 300-yard drives at Oakmont Country Club in Glendale. He’s been playing for four years.

For a noncontact sport, baseball sure has a lot of injuries.

I fear unicorns will be starting at shortstop before the Dodgers solve this TV blackout.

That makes sense only in a world where Mike Leake inks a five-year contract worth $80 million.

Only 175 days left till football season. Who’s counting? Everyone.

Reaction to a call for an end to SI’s annual swimsuit edition: 59% in support, 41% against.

Best coach of his era (any sport): Mike Krzyzewski.

Suggestion: A parade for Kobe down Fig after the last game, for all the fans (like me) who can’t afford Lakers tickets.

Turns out Pitino is 63. But his soul is 14.

FYI, longtime L.A. sportscaster Jim Hill played for the Green Bay Packers, San Diego Chargers and Cleveland Browns.

Similarly, I once owned a gold and green Packers stocking cap.

“The secret is having eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.” (Jerry Tarkanian)