USC-UCLA is full of story lines

Game this weekend we’d all probably watch anyway, yet promoters still decided to add a cheesy, half-baked “Loser Leaves Town!” component . . .

UCLA at USC (Saturday, 1:30 p.m., Channel 7): Let’s see if we have this straight. Saturday afternoon, USC will play a) for the right to represent the Pac-10 in the not-what-it-used-to-be Rose Bowl; b) for bragging rights over UCLA in the not-what-it-used-to-be L.A. football rivalry; c) Pete Carroll’s last regular-season game before the San Diego Chargers come calling; d) Karl Dorrell’s last regular-season game before Dan Guerrero and the aggregate forces of MMA (Many Miffed Alums) come calling; e) its last game at the Coliseum before moving to the Rose Bowl.

Item e) was a nifty way to drum up some extra headlines during “Rivalry Week,” but the odds of the Trojans playing their 2008 home games in the Rose Bowl are about the same as the odds of Dorrell coaching the Bruins in the 2009 Rose Bowl. Good timing, though, everyone. We got so distracted there for a couple days, we forgot the name of the guy who’s supposed to start Saturday’s game at quarterback for the Bruins.

Remarkably, FSN Prime Ticket has assigned more analysts to the big game than UCLA has quarterbacks in rotation. ABC gets the telecast, but Prime will conduct its own one-hour pregame show (12:30 p.m.) and a half-hour postgame show by huddling former Bruins Danny Farmer and James Washington with former Trojans Jeremy Hogue, Petros Papadakis and Rodney Peete. That sounds like a lineup for certain audio anarchy.

Good thing we have that 3 1/2 -hour break in between for the game.

Sunday remedy for post-Saturday Bruins-Trojans hangover . . .

Kansas at USC (Sunday, 11 a.m., Prime) and Texas at UCLA (Sunday, 5 p.m., Prime): Two undefeated top-10 opponents visit the basketball arenas of USC and UCLA as the best of the Big 12 -- No. 4 Kansas (6-0) and No. 8 Texas (6-0) -- take on the No. 22 Trojans (5-1) and the No. 2 Bruins (7-0), respectively.

Glomming on to this significant weekend for USC and UCLA is a Trojans-Bruins team poker competition to be held on UCLA’s campus today at 1 p.m. The event won’t be televised, which is helpful; Bruins and Trojans fans can handle only so much in one weekend before the awful onset of TVOD. According to a news release, “Team Poker is a competitive and fun spin on Texas Hold’em.”

Coincidentally, Texas Hold’em is the game plan for UCLA’s basketball team Sunday. The Bruins are hoping for more success with that strategy than the Trojans had against Vince Young in the 2006 Rose Bowl.

As we all expected from the start, Missouri and West Virginia are featured in play-in games for the BCS title game . . .

Oklahoma versus Missouri (Saturday, Channel 7, 5 p.m.) and Pittsburgh at West Virginia (Saturday, ESPN, 4:45 p.m.): The college football season in a nutshell: Missouri is No. 1 for the first time since 1960, playing two-loss Oklahoma on a neutral field for the right to play in the BCS title game -- and Oklahoma is favored by three points. Nobody respects the No. 1 loft in college football anymore, and why should they? Stadium hot dogs have had a longer shelf life than No. 1 programs this season.

Phil Jackson re-ups for two more seasons with Lakers! No word yet about Kobe . . .

Lakers at Utah Jazz (tonight, 7:30, Channel 9 and ESPN) and Orlando Magic at Lakers (Sunday, 6:30 p.m., FSNW): Obviously, Jackson really wants that 1,000th career coaching victory. Entering Thursday night’s game against Denver, he was at 927. His new Lakers contract will take him through the 2009-10 season, which should take him through the Kobe Bryant era, and maybe give him just enough time to reach 1,000.

Colorado comes to Los Angeles. Uh oh . . .

Colorado Avalanche at Kings (Saturday, 7:30 p.m., FSNW): When the Rockies started playing a bunch of games against the Dodgers in September, that’s when the avalanche started.

Los Angeles goes to Colorado. Uh oh . . .

Clippers at Denver Nuggets (tonight, 7:30, Channel 5): Clippers are charged extra at the ticket counter for packing more than their allotted weight of bricks.

Much, much more than everything you ever wanted to know about Edmonton . . .

Ducks at Edmonton Oilers (tonight, 6, Channel 56) and Oilers at Ducks (Sunday, 5 p.m., Channel 56): Not sure yet what we are all supposed to do about Saturday.

John Madden Quote of the Week . . .

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers (Sunday, 5:15 p.m., Channel 4): An NBC news release quotes John Madden, apparently impersonating Frank Caliendo: “This isn’t a talk league, this is a do league, and it’s not only a do league, but it’s when you do it.” Do you have any idea what Madden is talking about?

Punt . . .

Seattle Seahawks at Philadelphia Eagles (Sunday, 10 a.m., Channel 11): Seahawks and Eagles are not to be confused with “USSA Birds of Prey” skiing competition on Channel 4 on Sunday at 11 a.m.

christine.daniels@latimes.com