SHOWS HYPED TO THE HILT : SURVIVING FEBRUARY’S RATINGS WAR

When T. S. Eliot called April the “cruelest” month, he must have forgotten about February. It’s a sure thing he never heard of the February Sweeps. Three times each year the networks grovel with heightened pander in honor of Nielsen “sweeps” months, when ratings are taken more intensively and extensively than usual.

February is one of those months. One can call them the February Creeps or, for their salacious content, the February Peeps. But this year they were so unspeakable it might do to call them the February Bleeps.

What America saw on television in February was a miniseries about the murders of little children in Atlanta, a three-hour drama about teen-age suicide and a six-hour miniseries in which Hollywood wives and their husbands played musical hot-tub. ABC also offered a movie about a male “mistress.” Hitler’s SS was re-activated for an NBC movie.

Week in, week out, the usual run of TV trash was given a special sleazy sweep hype.

Here from the networks’ own mouths--from network press releases and network print ads--is some of the February bill of fare. The publicity reflects the content of the shows and the elements that the networks consider attractive to viewers. It’s not a pretty picture.

“O’Brien and Giambone on the Trail of a Multiple Killer in ‘Night Heat’ Feb. 21.”--CBS press release.

“When a stickup of a liquor store results in a blood bath because of the automatic weapons used in the heist, O’Brien and Giambone become desperate to halt the weapons at the source, on ‘Night Heat.’ “--CBS press release.

“Hot and heavy! Action explodes as Hammer hunts down a killer-arson ring!”--CBS ad for “Mike Hammer.”

“Revenge-hungry model wants Jack . . . dead!”--CBS ad for “Cover Up.”

“Red-Hot Jazz and Cold-Blooded Murder! There’s no shortage of suspects when Jessica witnesses a musician’s death!”--CBS ad for “Murder, She Wrote.”

“High Level Blackmail Scandal could mean murder for Amanda!”--CBS ad for “Scarecrow and Mrs. King.”

“Two teen-agers brutally slain. Two families shattered by grief. Two killers set free.”--NBC ad for “Two Fathers’ Justice.”

“Kitt Eaten Alive? What happens when Kitt is plunged into a foaming well of highly toxic waste?”--NBC ad for “Knight Rider.”

“Hooker’s Undercover in Vegas! To bust a drug-dealing crime boss.”--ABC ad for “T.J. Hooker.”

“Massage Parlor Murders! Hooker must save Stacy’s life when she goes undercover to uncover a killer.”--ABC ad for “T.J. Hooker.”

“The Mob Made This Cop a Widow. . . . Now She and Hooker Will Make Them Pay!”--ABC ad for “T.J. Hooker.”

“Hooker Pursues Gang Members Who Have Attacked the Woman He Loves, in ‘T.J. Hooker,’ Feb. 16.”--ABC press release.

“A seemingly simple arrest plunges Sgt. Hooker and detective Dani Starr . . . into a dangerous probe of organized crime, including murder, the adult movie trade and a huge diamond heist, in ‘T.J. Hooker,’ airing Saturday, Feb. 23 on the ABC Television Network.”--ABC press release.

“New Orleans Nightmare! Houston tracks vigilante killers at the Mardi Gras!”--ABC ad for “Matt Houston.”

“In ‘Distortions,’ Adrian Fitzpatrick, a woman Peter McDermott once dated, checks into the St. Gregory Hotel after leaving her adulterous husband. Feeling betrayed, she turns to Peter for comfort and compassion. When he thwarts her advances, Adrian picks up a stranger in the hotel bar who subsequently rapes her. But in retaliation, she puts the blame on Peter.”--ABC press release for an episode of “Hotel.”

“Music! Murder! Motown!”--ABC ad for “The Fall Guy.”

“Co-eds in Danger! Colt’s After a Killer in a Wild College Party Town.”--ABC ad for “The Fall Guy.”

“When the Judge Comes Out of Retirement to Handle a Single Case, He is Gunned Down in Court, in the Episode of ‘Hardcastle and McCormick’ airing Monday, Feb. 25.”--ABC press release.

“Cop killers have an entire city in fear!”--ABC ad for “MacGruder & Loud.”

And that’s just a smattering.

Let’s see: killers, cop killers, multiple killers, cold-blooded murder, massage-parlor murder, rape, organized crime, a drug-dealing crime boss, a blood bath, the adult movie trade, the mob and a male mistress. Like they say in the song, “That’s en-ter-tain-ment.”

The next sweep month is May. Let’s all plan to go out every single night--say, to something relatively wholesome, like mud wrestling or cock fights.

A foaming well of toxic waste, indeed.