The Answer Man Goes Downhill Fast on Luge Question

Dear Answer Man . . .

I’m a huge luge fan, and a winter sports nut in general, so I’m dying to hear an expert’s opinion. What’s the outlook for the American team in the 1988 Winter Olympics at Calgary, Canada?

Sunny, Sonny. Our medal prospects brightened considerably last week when boycott threats were issued by the following countries: Soviet Union, Czechoslovakia, Finland, Sweden, East Germany, West Germany and Austria. Those countries are protesting the hockey scheduling.

If they make good on their threats, our most formidable competition will come from Pakistan, Samoa and Ecuador. Also from the Canadian team, if that country doesn’t join the boycott.

Fred Lynn is in midseason form, according to Joe Altobelli , Baltimore Orioles’ manager . It looks as if the Angels gave up on Lynn too soon, doesn’t it?

Relax, pal. At this point in spring training, every player is in midseason form. A typical day’s training regimen consists of 10 jumping jacks, followed by 10 minutes of leaning against the batting cage. Weather permitting.

Toward the end of spring training, the pace of conditioning is accelerated so that players can throw out their arms and pull their muscles in time for the season openers. Check back with Altobelli in a month.

I understand that Wilt Chamberlain has taken up polo. Does he use a standard mallet?

Wilt doesn’t use any mallet. He wears wooden shoes.

Dodger General Manager Al Campanis recently said: “Woe to them who misplace the Dodgers this year, because they’re going to be surprised.” What did Al mean by this? That statement was a warning to the drivers of chartered buses hired by the Dodgers on the road. Twice last season, careless drivers misplaced the Dodgers, dropping them off at the wrong ballpark. This proved costly in the standings.

As for the surprise, Al has threatened that any driver pulling that stunt this season will be made to suit up and play third base for an entire series.

I read recently that Notre Dame has the country’s highest rate of graduation of football players; 27 of the 28 players recruited five years ago earned degrees. Duke University’s score was 22 of 23. This is amazing. How do these schools do it?

They cheat. My sources tell me that coaches and athletic department officials at Notre Dame and Duke force the players to attend classes regularly, monitor their scholastic progress, and even look the other way when players sign up for such real courses as math and biology.

Players are even allowed time to study, which, while not strictly against NCAA rules, is considered unethical.

Is it true that Dancin’ Barry, the mascot of the Lakers and Clippers, was arrested in Madison Square Garden during a game between the Lakers and Knicks?

Dancin’ was arrested, yes. He was sitting among the New York fans. He was clean shaven, was wearing matching shoes, was minding his own business and wasn’t betting. He was quickly arrested as a suspicious character.

I’m worried, Answer Man. In recent years, the U.S. Olympic bobsled team has lost ground to countries like East Germany, Switzerland and the Soviet Union, primarily because those countries are building better sleds. I read recently that 60 American experts met, with the aim of building a gold - medal bobsled. How goes the battle?

Uphill. We Americans just don’t seem to have the knack for sled building. The team of experts did design a new sled, but it was recalled because the turn signals were defective and it failed to meet the strict EPA emissions standards.

What gives with the New Jersey Generals? When Doug Flutie joined the team, the first thing Coach Walt Michaels told Flutie was: “We don’t scramble on this team.” Yet in the team’s second game, Flutie scrambled all over the field, on orders from Michaels, and had a great game. Did Michaels have a change of heart?

Michaels never had any objection to Flutie’s scampering around in the backfield. The coach’s original admonition to Flutie was widely misquoted. The rookie quarterback came to camp with the reputation of being an Eastern intellectual snob who openly flaunted his skill at word games.

What Michaels said to Flutie was: “We don’t Scrabble on this team.”