National League : For Openers, the Bests and Worsts

Opening-day observations you may have missed on the 11 o’clock news: Best omen--Gary Carter’s game-winning home run in the New York Mets’ opener landed in the St. Louis Cardinals’ bullpen, vacated by Bruce Sutter last winter. Sutter had a win and a save in his first three appearances for his new team, the Atlanta Braves. Sutter’s replacement with the Cardinals, Neil Allen, had losses in his first two games.

Best costume--The San Diego Padres’ new uniforms, which prompted this comment from Steve Garvey: “They make me feel taller.”

Best choice to throw out the first ball--Yosh Kawano, long-time clubhouse man for the Chicago Cubs and brother of the Dodgers’ keeper of the clubhouse, Nobe Kawano.

Asked if Nobe might be jealous about his brother’s celebrity, Dodger Vice President Al Campanis said: “What’s he have to be jealous about, with all the money he’s made and all the time he gets to golf? I’ve been with the Dodgers for 26 years, and the first three years I thought Nobe was the official photographer.”

Nobe likes to take pictures.

Best choice to throw out the second ball--Rodney Dangerfield, invited by the Mets to something they called Opening Day II. The Mets showed some respect on their real Opening Day, when Vice President Bush made his pitch.

The Next Time, Take a Helicopter award--To Vice President Bush, whose limousine arrived at Shea Stadium at the same time as the St. Louis team. Cardinal players had to stand outside in 40-degree weather for 10 minutes while Bush’s party made its entrance.

Worst performance of the national anthem--To rock guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughn, who kept his hat on while taking his licks on his electric guitar in the Astrodome. When Vaughn was finished, Astro catcher Alan Ashby turned to Dodger shortstop Dave Anderson and said: “That was the Canadian anthem. Our anthem comes next.”

Best question by a media type--To the Houston reporter who asked beanball victim Dickie Thon, after he’d been accosted by Morganna, the kissing bandit: “Did you think you were suffering from double vision?”

The You Must Be Kidding Award--To Cy Young Award winner Rick Sutcliffe, who two days before winning the Cubs’ opener said he that would retire if the Cubs won the World Series, thus passing up the remaining four years of his megabucks contract.

“A World Series ring would make my career complete,” Sutcliffe told Fred Mitchell of the Chicago Tribune. “Cubs’ fans lives would be complete, too.

“Winning the World Series and going fishing sounds pretty good right now. It doesn’t get any better than that.”

The Sobriety Test Award--To fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates, who aren’t buying seats in the two sections set aside by the Pirates for non-drinkers. Of course, the Pirates, who won only six games all spring, are having trouble selling any tickets.

The Green Thumb Award--To Padre Manager Dick Williams, for his comments on the new infield at San Diego’s Jack Murphy Stadium.

“The agronomist we had last year lied,” Williams said. “He told us he had a degree, but he didn’t. He didn’t know what he was doing. He could have screwed up a two-car funeral.”

Witnesses insist that Williams used the word agronomist. The same witnesses insist that those were not agronomists Williams used as pitchers in the World Series last fall.

An agronomist, for those who don’t know, is an agriculturist.

The Don’t Start the Season Without Me Award--To San Francisco Giants’ reliever Greg Minton. The day before spring training began, Minton, while shoeing a horse on his ranch, drove a nail into his right middle finger. Once in camp, Minton was discovered to have high blood pressure, tore muscle fiber in his right biceps, had a kidney stone removed and, on the day the Giants broke camp, found out he had an inflamed ulnar nerve.

Best critique of an opening-night performance--To John Russell, rookie first baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, after making two of the team’s six errors in their opening loss to the Atlanta Braves.

Said Russell: “I would have booed, too.”

The If This Is Texas, This Must Be Spring Football Award--To the Houston cab driver who asked two visiting reporters from Los Angeles: “Y’all here for the football game?”

The Western Union Award--To Don and Barbara Rickles, for their telegram to Tom Lasorda: “We lost the Alamo. Don’t blow it in Houston.”