Cue the Cards, Droll Hershog Has Returned

If the World Series winds up being between the Cardinals and Blue Jays--a Series ABC no doubt will hype by inviting viewers to “Watch the Birdies”--St. Louis Manager Whitey Herzog should consider a crash course in learning the names of the Toronto players before Saturday’s opening game.

He should also, of course, remember to bring along his passport and a guide on how to speak Canadian.

But first and foremost, he should go over the Blue Jay roster with somebody who knows the guys’ names before he sets foot in Ontario and starts calling the opposing players Jesse Barstool or Tom Hanky or Domino Garcia. It might really prove useful.

In the time that has passed since the National League playoff series with the Dodgers began, Herzog has inadvertently referred to pitcher Fernando Valenzuela as Orlando, to pitcher Orel Hershiser as Her-hiser, and to catcher Mike Scioscia as Sko-sha. So far, at least, he has not mispronounced Steve Sax.

Dorrell Herzog does not mean to slight the Dodgers by doing this, and we are just pulling his leg a little at the Norm Crosby treatment he is giving their names. The Dodgers could use a laugh right now.

It is just that we cannot imagine Dodger Manager Tom Lasorda ever mangling an opponent’s name. Lasorda is the sorda guy who stands in a hotel lobby and gets introduced to a lady who says her Aunt Mildred met Tommy on a Greyhound bus in 1957, to which Tommy replies: “Oh, sure. How’s her arthritis?” Lasorda rarely forgets a name or a face.

He was standing in a St. Louis hotel lobby Saturday night for only a minute or two when casual acquaintances strolled over to pay their respects. He acted as if he recognized every single one. Maybe he wasn’t even acting.

One guy told Lasorda to be sure to take some warm clothes with him when he went to Toronto.

Another guy, a Cardinal fan eavesdropping from a nearby sofa, called out: “Don’t worry about it, Tommy. You won’t even be going to Toronto.”

Lasorda smiled politely at the guy, then turned away and said under his breath: “Don’t bet on it.”

It sure did look as though the Dodgers were a lock to go to the great white north. They were ahead by two games and really only needed to take one of the three in St. Louis. Even after the Cardinals had tied the series Sunday, the visitors were in swell shape, because they still had two home games remaining and, before that, Fernando Valenzuela going in Game 5.

Or: “Fernand” Valenzuela, as the St. Louis scoreboard identified him.

As fate would have it, though, Ozzie Smith cranked a home run in the ninth inning of Monday’s game, giving St. Louis a 3-2 victory and a 3-2 edge in the series. Smith later explained how he had pumped iron over the winter to improve his strength, and yes, we need only to look at him to wonder how he can even swing a baseball bat with all those bulging muscles inside his jersey. Ozzie Smithenegger, we should call him from now on.

The Dodgers, naturally, said nothing but nice things about Smith and the Cardinals after losing the game. The only St. Louis person they did not have anything nice to say about was the birdbrain in the crowd who splashed water at Sax.

This is the sort of fan we should come to expect. We have in St. Louis a sport sponsored by a beer baron, whose team theme is the one from his Budweiser TV commercials. The customers are up there in the stands getting swacked while the ballplayers, a couple of whom are recovering alcoholics, are trying to do their work. And then the guy who hits the game-winning homer is named the Lite Beer MVP.

Had Sax gone into the seats after that jerk who splashed him, what a sight it would have been. Others would have followed, and it would have looked like the Boston Bruins crawling over the walls to get at the fans in the Garden, or the Chicago Bulls mixing it up with the hecklers in Kansas City. Lasorda restrained his man before it was too late.

In Toronto, where the team also is sponsored by a brewery, the customers are supposed to be well behaved. Nevertheless, the opposing manager would be wise to say nothing but nice things about the fans and the players and the whole wonderful province, while taking care that his players not throw anything at the sea gulls.

If he gets that far, Herzog should not have much trouble pronouncing names such as George Bell and Jimmy Key. It has not been a picnic for him in St. Louis, what with a pitcher named Joaquin Andujar and a local sportscaster named Zip Rzeppa. But what the heck, a guy gets confused sometimes.

The other day, Herzog even said something nice about the Dodger pitcher, Dorrell Hershiser.

“Wait a second,” he said, suddenly catching himself. “That’s my name.”