Poll Faces a No-Winless Situation

THE COLLEGES

Struck by a sudden shortage of winless football teams, the Bottom Ten was declared a federal disaster area late Monday.

Bottom Ten selectors were considering rushing in a smaller school--such as East Tennessee State (0-9-1)--to take over No. 1 or to restore the eligibility of Columbia (0-9), on suspension because of high grade-point averages (a bad example for other schools).

In the meantime, New Mexico, Utah and Kansas states were temporarily placed in the top spot. The title may not be decided until No. 10 University at El Intercepted Screen Paso (1-9) meets No. 11 Wyoming (2-8) on Dec. 7 at Australia. The site sounds like another bad Bottom Ten joke, but it isn’t.

Elsewhere, USC (4-5) lost again, meaning Los Angeles will have no team in the Rose Bowl. Well, there’s always Pasadena’s UCLA (8-1-1).

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Week Next Loss 1. New Mex St (1-9) 25-55, W. Tex St Utah St 1. Utah St (2-8) Idle New Mex St 1. Kansas St (1-9) 14-21, Iowa St Colorado 4. Columbia (0-9) 8-21, Cornell Brown 5. USC (4-5) 17-20, Washing UCLA 6. San Jose St (2-8) Idle Nev L.V. 7. N.Car St (3-8) 19-31, Duke Retired 8. Boston Col (3-8) 21-41, Syracuse Holy Cross 9. Louisville (2-8) Idle E.Kentucky 10. UTEP (1-9) 6-34, SD St Wyoming

11. Wyoming (2-8); 12. Dartmouth (2-6-1); 13. Washington State (3-7); 14. Cal State Northridge Galleria (4-6); 15. Vanderbilt (3-6-1); 16. Houston (2-7); 17. Stanford (3-7); 18. Pentagon (at sea) (3-7); 19. Oregon State (3-7); 20. The Bottom Ten*.

*The Bottom Ten mistakenly reported last week that Rutgers was history’s first Bottom Ten team. Actually, Rutgers defeated Princeton, 6-4, in the first college game 116 years ago. Since wins by Rutgers (2-7-1) are rare, the Bottom Ten apologizes.

THANKS FOR FINISHING YOUR SEASON EARLY: Wake Forest (4-7), North Carolina State (3-8), Temple (4-7).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Utah State (2-8) at New Mexico State (1-9).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: UCLA (8-1-1) over USC (4-5) (No children under 12 admitted without parents).

THE PROS

Chicago’s Walter Payton was carrying the ball deep in Dallas territory Sunday when 308-pound teammate William (The Refrigerator) Perry picked him up and tried to throw him into the end zone. Payton was lucky. Perry could have tried to spike him.

Still, ‘Fridge was penalized 10 yards for illegal use of the hands. Of course, it didn’t stop the Bears from dancing all over the hapless Cowboys, 44-0, the worst defeat ever for Dallas.

Some fans laughed at Perry’s attempt. But then offensive pioneers are often scorned at first. Don’t forget--the forward pass (of a football) was illegal until 1906. With the players getting bigger and stronger every year, who’s to say that the NFL won’t someday legalize Perry’s literal version of the halfback pass?

Meanwhile, the 49ers threw their own Refrigerator model against No. 2 Kansas City. San Francisco’s Roger Craig ran up the back of 270-pound blocking back Guy McIntyre, using him as a ramp from which to plunge for a touchdown. (There’s no penalty for that maneuver, unless the ballcarrier is on a motorcycle.)

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Week Next Loss 1. Dallas (7-4) 0-44, Chicago Philadelphia 2. Kansas City (3-8) 3-31, San Fr’isco Indy 3. Tampa Bay (1-10) 28-62, N.J.Jets Detroit 4. New Orleans (3-8) 14-38, Green Bay Minnesota 5. St. Louis (4-7) 14-24, Phil N.J. Giants

6. Buffalo (2-9); 7. Atlanta (2-9); 8. Houston (4-7); 9. Indianapolis (3-8); 10. San Diego (5-6).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Indianapolis (3-8) at Kansas City (3-8).

SPECIAL CITATION: ABC-TV for its several replays of Washington quarterback Joe Theismann breaking his leg, including a reverse-angle shot.